Rechilus
includes repeating negative information which can cause bad feelings.
For example telling someone "your neighbor told me you are lazy"
Lesson 2
Rechilus
also involves relating information which is not negative about someone,
yet will cause bad feelings to the listener. For example if you hear a
groom is contemplating breaking his engagement. After a lot of thought
he decides not to break it off. It would be considered rechilus to tell
the bride "I heard that the groom wanted to break the engagement. The
same law would apply if someone would look for a new partner, tenant...
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
Lesson 1 One
could be guilty of speaking rechilus without saying anything new. For
example. Your friend shares her day with you, "today i took my 7
children to the dentist. it was so hectic; they were all crying and
nagging at the same time." Since you are concerned for your friend you
ask her "Where was your husband? why didn’t he come along?" Although
you may mean well, saying something like that can be considered
rechilus because you may have caused your friend to feel annoyed at her
husband for not helping. Such statements can result in severe shalom
bayit problems.
Lesson 2
One
who causes additional hatred between two people who already had bad
feelings towards each other is also guilty of speaking rechilus by
adding fuel to the fire. For example, you known when Mr. S. borrowed
your friend’s vacuum cleaner, the front of it got smashed. At a later
date, you mention to your friend, "you know, when some people borrow
vacuum cleaners, they are not careful with how they handle them". This
is rechilus even though you didn’t mentioned Mr. S’s name. Why? because
as a result of your comment, your friend will remind herself about Mr.
S’s negligence. You will have caused that anger to be reawakened.
Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
In the Sefer, Walking with Rabbi Miller, Rabbi Mordechai Dolinsky,
Shlita, provides some incredible memories of his walks with HaRav
Avigdor Miller, Z’tl during the years 5715-5725 (1955-1965). Rabbi
Dolinsky, then a young man, took advantage of the opportunity, or
perhaps more appropriately stated, created the opportunity, of becoming
close to his Rav by making sure he was present when his Rav took his
daily walks. Chazal teach us of the tremendous importance and, in
fact, the preeminence even over Torah study in being meshamesh--in
serving--and learning by personal contact, with Talmedei Chachamim.
From the extremely valuable lessons HaRav Miller taught Rabbi Dolinsky
below, which may be only the tip of the iceberg of the effect he had on
Rabbi Dolinsky’s life, we can understand how important it is for each
and every one of us to get close to a Talmid Chacham, and glean as much
as we can from his personal conduct, actions and words.
Just a few essential lessons that Rabbi Dolinsky presents in his wonderful Sefer are excerpted below:
1. When giving a bracha to another, it is important that we generate
within ourselves the feeling that we are bringing an actual, real
benefit to the recipient of our bracha--that we are doing a true
chesed. There is no comparison at all to that same brachah’s quality
and strength when accompanied by positive mental concentration. The
fact that the bracha has so much power and can accomplish so much just
even with “dry words” does not mean that saying it with intent does not
play any role or have any effect. To the contrary, a bracha said with
proper, positive intent has a tremendously awesome effect, many times
more than those “dry words” alone--so great, in fact, that HaRav Miller
compared it to a nuclear explosion.
HaRav Miller taught that our brachos to others with kavavna have
super-special effects even when they are salutation-oriented and made
during conversational speech. In the course of our normal, everyday
life, in greetings and in reactions, in exclamations, proclamations,
and best wishes for all sorts of occasions, we make statements that
are, in actuality, real brachos. Unfortunately, we may grow so
accustomed to reciting them and their usage is so commonplace that we
become callous about regarding them as actual brachos. Rather than
giving expression to the unique good wishes felt in each person’s
heart, these greetings and blessings become a mere recitation of
formulas. Besides this loss of the uniqueness of people exchanging
their intended good wishes, there is not even an awareness that it is a
bracha!
This would mean that when wishing a traveler “Have a good trip,” one
should bear in mind the words of the bracha, their implications, and
then, in full concentration, itemize in your mind (at least) the
brachah’s realization: a safe trip and return, as well as success in
the endeavors undertaken.
Here are some further examples of good wishes we can concentrate on
when we give the most common brachos (the examples are from HaRav
Miller himself):
“Good morning”--to a Torah learner, we might intend this to mean, have
a good learning session, and say a good Shiur. To a businessman,
complete some fortuitous deals. To a housewife, that the washing
machine should do its job and not break down.
“Hearty appetite”--digest the food well and enjoy it.
“Yasher Koach”--your strength should increase, to the gabbai or whoever has performed a task well.
“Gezundheit”--much good health to you.
“Mazel Tov”--good fortune on a million different occasions.
“Gut Shabbos”--the cholent should be tasty, and may you have a good rest, and may your Shabbos be meaningful.
“Gut voch”--Good week; may you suffer no indigestion from the cholent.
“Kol tuv”--Live and be well.
“Bon voyage”; “Happy birthday”; “Happy anniversary”; “Have a nice day.” And the list goes on!
2. In general, our generation suffers from a special difficultly in
focusing concentration throughout the entire Shemone Esrei. HaRav
Miller’s very practical suggestion was to divide the Shemone Esrei into
three parts, and then, in each one of the three Tefillos of the day, to
make an extra effort to concentrate on one of the parts. This is more
practically realistic and within our reach then when trying to
concentrate through the entire davening, and Rabbi Dolinsky testifies
that it inspired and motivated HaRav Miller’s students to invest
special energy into improving their prayer.
3. The defining characteristic of Shemone Esrei is generating within
oneself the feeling of actually standing before Hashem. HaRav Miller
“came to the rescue with a very practical, workable exercise.”
Whenever you come to the word “Ata” in a bracha, pause for a moment and
think about what the word means. Its simple translation is--“You”--and
you are addressing it to Hashem right in front of you. When done
properly, this can generate a feeling of actually standing before
Hashem.
4. HaRav Miller once said “It is perhaps a more fortunate destiny to
have a taste for appreciating seashells than to be born a
millionaire.” He once asked his students to wiggle their toes before a
lecture, so that they could experience the pleasure of what Hashem made
them capable of. When passing a gas station, he noted that unlike
cars, we don’t pull our bodies in somewhere and say “Fill her up.”
Rather, Hashem created the enjoyable experience of eating for our
appreciation. Indeed, so much of the Creation is for our appreciation:
beautiful flowers, beautiful birds, exquisite tropical fish, unique
smells, special sounds, breathtaking sights--the world is full of
beauty. We should never let life pass over our heads. Instead, we
should utilize our appreciation of these moments to connect to our
Creator. In doing so, we turn the act of drinking a glass of water
into an encounter with Hashem!!
--------------------------
Hakhel MIS
--------------------------
"Ben Azai
said: Do not disgrace another person and do not denounce any statement.
For there is no person that doesn’t have his hour, nor there is no
statement that doesn’t have its place."
The axiomatic principle
of the Torah is, "Love your fellow man, like you love yourself." In
this light, love for others is the virtue that supports the entire
Torah and its fulfillment. When we conduct our interpersonal
relationships with love, we uphold the essence of the Torah.
Conversely,
if we "disgrace another person" we loosen the foundation of the Torah.
That is, if we view others as less worthy than ourselves, we have lost
the path of loving kindness, illuminated by Avraham Avinu.
In
order to consistently view our friends in a positive light, we should
remind ourselves, that "there is not a person that does not have his
hour." Meaning, we should love and honor everyone, because every person
has unique, beautiful, and precious qualities.
Similarly, if
one of our colleagues makes a true point, we should not discount it on
a technicality. Rather, we should recognize the truth of his words and
find a source to validate his statement.
May we always admire
others and respect their ideas. As a result, we will grasp the essence
of the Torah - love and honor of our fellow man. [Based on the commentary of the Chidah to Pirkei Avot]
TODAY: Walk in the footsteps of Avraham Avinu and love and respect every person.
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Rule 3 - when transmitting
information, do it with the mentality of AIDING the shidduch process. If you are
aware of information thats important and you know will disrupt a shidduch for
someone you dislike, try to transmit the details strictly for constructive
purposes. When giving the information, try to eradicate negative feelings to
make sure you can give over the info with the right intentions. If you cant get
rid of your negative feelings toward the person, try to refer the person asking
to someone who has the same information, without the negative
feelings.
Lesson 2
Rule 4 - When giving over information, transmit
it in the least harmful way possible. If its a match that shouldn’t go through,
try to say instead "i dont think this particular girl/guy is for you". Try not
to divulge any negative information if you can achieve the same goal without
giving the negative information.
Lashon Hora = Saying a
derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) =
Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse,
in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
The Torah tells us that not only were Korach and his cohorts swallowed alive;
their wives and children also died in this extraordinary fashion. Rashi comments
(Bamidbar 16, 27) that the gravity of this punishment helps us comprehend
the severity of quarreling. While a court of law only punishes a man after he
reaches the age of thirteen, and Heaven only punishes from the age of twenty,
quarreling is so serious an infraction that even the nursing babies perished as
a result. Why did the children, who were in no way involved in the dispute,
deserve to die alongside their parents?
Rav Wolbe answers with the following Sforno. In the AseresHaDibros we read, “Who visits the sin of the forefathers upon their
children on the third and fourth generations.” The Sforno explains that
Hashem waits until the fourth generation to mete out punishment, because when
four consecutive generations sin in the same manner, the sin becomes entrenched
- part and parcel of their very personality – and there is no hope that they
will ever do teshuva. Similarly, the children of Korach were born into a
situation where a terrible quarrel raged. The severity of machlokes is
such that it can leave an indelible impression even on the second generation.
Arguing would become part of their nature. Moreover, the knowledge that their
fathers disagreed so adamantly with Moshe would cause them to forever second
guess Moshe Rabbeinu’s qualifications as a leader. Therefore, the only option
was for them to perish along with their parents, and thus effectively preventing
any possibility of the continuation of this machlokes.
One of the six hundred and thirteen commandments is, “And one shall
not be like Korach and his followers” (Bamidbar 17, 5). Rav Wolbe
cautions that this commandment applies even when one has good intentions and
acts for the sake of heaven. Nevertheless, he may not cause machlokes.
One must be especially careful when he acts “lesheimshamayim”
because he often thinks that this gives him the license to do as he pleases. The
Mishna in Avos states, “Any argument in which people argue for
the sake of heaven will endure… Any argument that is not for the sake of heaven
will not endure.” Rav Yisroel Salanter explains this Mishna
homiletically. When two businessmen get into an argument, at the end of the day
they will make amends and drink a beer together. However, when one feels that he
is arguing for the sake of heaven, the quarrel will never end. How could he give
in when Heaven’s honor is at stake? Such a machlokes will endure
forever!
Any machlokes, even with the best of intentions, can have terrible
repercussions. The Alter of Kelm writes that Korach must have had truly lofty
intentions, for if he did not, the pans he used to sacrifice the incense would
not have become holy and would not have been converted into plating for the
mizbeiach. Despite his intentions, the machlokes caused the demise
of his entire family. This being the case, could there be any cause for which it
is truly worthwhile to create a machlokes?
This dvarTorah was compiled by the family of the Mashgiach Harav Shlomo
ben R’ Moshe z"l, l’iluynishmaso
If you sincerely suspect that a child or person is being abused, you MUST
report it. It is a Mitzva (positive commandment). Reporting child abuse is NOT
in any way Lashon Hora. We are obligated to protect children. (p.s. before doing
this, look up what the signs of abuse so you really know what to look for and
report and how to handle it. see here for specific information about abuse http://www.legal-info-legale.nb.ca/showpub.asp?id=75)
Lesson 2
Rule 2 - of speaking about a person for shidduch/marriage
purposes
Say only what you know to be 100% true. Don’t exaggerate or embellish. Even
one word of exaggeration is considered lashon hora and slander. There is a big
difference between saying "s/he is quiet" and saying "s/he is very
quiet".
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon
Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that
is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a
derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to
Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or
child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of
Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Four questions to ask yourself before giving information.
1. How well do i really know this person?
2. What is the source of my information?
3. How do i feel about this person?
4. What will happen to this information after i disclose it?
Lesson 2
Rule 1 - in giving information about a person for relationship/marriage purposes
Think through your response carefully! Are you sure the information you are about to share is totally accurate, or is it perhaps partially or totally based on secondhand information? This requires careful considerations since many of our impressions of other people are based on secondhand information. (** Note, secondhand info is allowed to be shared under certain circumstances that will be forthcoming)
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
"Ben Azai said: The reward of a Mitzvah is a Mitzvah."
The performance of a Mitzvah awakens joy in the soul of man. What’s more, the delight and joy that we experience through performing the Mitzvah is a separate Mitzvah, in and of itself. That is, HaShem counts the pleasure and happiness that we feel when we do a Mitzvah as an independent Mitzvah.
Therefore, whenever we perform one Mitzvah, we are actually performing two Mitzvoth.Accordingly, for each Mitzvah that we perform HaShem grants us a double reward. Specifically, HaShem rewards us both for the Mitzvah, itself, as well as, for the Mitzvah of experiencing the joy of the Mitzvah.
In this light, King David said (Tehillim 68:4), "The righteous will be glad, they will delight before HaShem; they will rejoice with happiness." Meaning, the righteous will "be glad and delight" in the Mitzvah that they perform; additionally they will "rejoice with the happiness" of the reward of the Mitzvah that HaShem grants them.
The Talmud tells us (Pesachim 68b) that when Rabbi Sheshes would complete the review of his studies, he would sing, "Rejoice, O my soul, Rejoice O my soul." What is the significance of twice repeating the phrase? Rabbis Sheshes’ intention was first to ask rhetorically: "In what shall my soul rejoice?" Then he responded, "My soul should rejoice in the very joy of the soul that delights in the study of Torah!"
[Based on the commentary of the Chidah to Pirkei Avot]
TODAY: When you perform a Mitzvah, discover the joy that awakens in your soul - and rejoice!
Reprinted from: The Salant Center eMussar - The Wisdom of Personal Growth
Special Note One:We received the following correspondence from one of our readers:
“I would like to point out the slight difference in pronunciation between the word “Ohev”--who loves, and “Oyev”--enemy.Perhaps, homiletically, one can claim that our goal should be to turn an Oyev into an Ohev, and that is why they are so close in etymology.To me, there is a more practical difference.Every night, at Maariv, in the second brocha, we conclude with “Ohev Amo Yisroel--that Hashem loves His people.”When one is tired, or is not careful, he can easily slur the words to be, Chas V’Shalom, Oyev Amo--the enemy of His nation.Just change one letter and the word can have the opposite meaning, and the opposite effect of what you want.Perhaps by being careful to daven out loud we will not fall for these kinds of hurtful mispronunciations.”
Hakhel Note:Thank you very much for your comment.Sometimes we forget the sheer potency of our Tefillos.Rabbi Yissocher Frand, Shlita, in the name of the Alter of Kelm, brings this point home beautifully from this week’s Parsha, Parshas Korach.
In the Parsha, Moshe Rabbeinu davens to Hashem about Koach’s gathering:“Al Teyfen El Minchasan--please do not take heed of their offering to you” (Bamidbar 16: 15).Why did Moshe Rabbeinu have to daven in this way--could anyone at all have ever thought in their right minds that Hashem would pay attention to the offering of the rebellious Korach and his cohorts?Moreover, the “Pi Ha’Aretz”--the crack in the earth that swallowed up Korach and his group--had already created in the 6 Days of Creation (Avos 5:8)--so what did Moshe Rabbeinu have to worry about?!The clear lesson to be gleaned is that the sincere entreaties, even of the wicked, even of the mutinous, are incredibly powerful.All the more so, a well-enunciated, meaningful prayer.
One other point on this topic: Some may fall onto the habit of coming to davening a few minutes late, and “expertly” skipping in perfect order what one “may” skip, based on the Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim, Chapter 52.However, the Mishna Berura (ibid, seif koton 1) writes that the Magid warned the Bais Yosef to come to Shul early--so that he could daven in Shul early without skipping--for one who davens with skipping is “MeHapech HaTzinoros”--harms the regular channels of Tefillah to Shomayim.
Before davening, we should take a moment to be conscious of the power of our Tefillos, and to the literal importance of every word--recited in order!
Special Note Two:We provide our readers with three powerful excerpts from the Sefer Shaarei Teshuva, written by Rabbeinu Yonah.
1.“It is the same [with Teshuva] as with a garment that needs washing.A little washing will suffice to remove the surface dirt, but only after much washing will it become entirely clean, as it is written “Wash me thoroughly for my transgression” (Tehillim 51:4).”Hakhel Note:How would you like your clothing to come back from the cleaners---why should your soul be any worse?
2.“It is for him who trusts in Hashem to hope, in the gloom of his anguish, that the darkness be the cause of light, as it is written (Micha, 7:8): ‘Rejoice not against me, Oh my enemy, though I have fallen, I shall arise: though I sit in darkness, Hashem is light onto me.’Chazal explain this Pasuk as follows:‘If I had not fallen, I would not have risen, if I have not sat in darkness, it would not have been light onto me’ (Medrash Tehillim, 22).”Hakhel Note: Is it any wonder then that we are reminded of this with night preceding day--every single day?
3.“Shlomo HaMelech teaches in Koheles (9:4), ‘For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope; for a living dog is better than a dead lion.’The meaning of this is that even the lowliest person alive can add ‘Maalos HaNefesh--can grow spiritually within’--which is something that the wisest, most righteous deceased person cannot do.[Shaar 2:24]”
From the above excerpts we can get a glimpse from the Rabbeinu Yonah as to how crucial it is to proceed through the everyday affairs, including the daily difficulties and tribulations, of life with a pure and thinking spirit.The ups and downs, trials and tests, pain and suffering, are intended to--and do--lead somewhere.Every precious moment of life should be appreciated and not squandered--used for its purpose, and not wasted.
Our goal should be to make our “garment” cleaner and cleaner, and we will surely see a glowing light at the end of the tunnel!As we will now be approaching the last quarter of the year (Tammuz-Av-Elul), we should begin to focus on our daily perspectives and attitudes.When getting up in the morning, while traveling and even while working or taking care of our household tasks--do we make the most spiritual use of our time?
We should not only claim that life is precious--we should prove it!
The Torah, in Parshas BeHaaloscha, describes how the meat-mongers (for want of a better term) among the Dor Deah, who had otherwise witnessed so many great events, had their fleishig consumption request fulfilled--they received the slav “until it would come out of their nostrils” (Bamidbar 11:20). Fittingly, the location of the terrible desire and the horrific aftermath that resulted was renamed “Kivros HaTaava--the graves of desire.” After this difficult and horrible ordeal, the Parsha makes it a point of telling us that Bnei Yisroel left Kivros HaTaava and traveled to Chateizros. Incredibly, according to the Seder Olam as brought in the Siddur Bais Yaakov, TODAY (the 20th of Sivan) is the very day, described there, that the 30-day stay at Kivros HaTaava ended. We might think, then, that it is an auspicious time for great events to occur. And it most likely is. However, to date, two great tragedies are marked by this date. First, the Second Crusades in France took place. More recently, the 1648-1649 Cossack Massacres (known as the Gezeiros Tach V’Tat) in the Ukraine/Poland are specifically marked on this date. The Rabbonim of the time required all able-bodied women over 15 and men over 18, to fast and recite special Selichos known as the “Selichos of the 20th of Sivan.” In fact, it is recorded that this day was especially chosen because it can never (under our current calendar) come out on Shabbos, and the Rabbonim wanted to make sure that a year did not go by without properly remembering and repenting on this date.
It is well known that the Tosfos Yom Tov, HaRav Yom Tov Lipman Heller, Z’tl, attributed the Cossack Massacres to talking in Shul. He accordingly composed a special Mi She’Berach to be recited on behalf of those who refrained from talking in Shul, which is recited to this very day.
A true story: A young man had arrived early to shul, and, realizing that there was not yet a minyan, he took out his cell phone and began to have a friendly telephone conversation. When an onlooker said, “Shmoozing--in Shul--on a cellphone?!?” He responded, “What’s the difference between talking to a friend, and talking on the phone?” The absurdity of talking on the cell phone in Shul did not strike him, but then again, he seemed pretty comfortable with engaging in ordinary conversation with his friend there, as well. The young man did, however, comport with the onlooker’s request. In this regard, we suggest that every reader take part in helping build a new or higher level of decorum and respect in his/her Shul. Perhaps one can begin with a sincere remark (NOT “SHUSH”) to a thoughtless congregant, or requesting the institution of the Tosfos Yom Tov’s bracha, given by the Rabbi or Gabbai. Let us never forget that, according to the Tosfos Yom Tov, one of the Gedolei HaDor at the time of the Gezeiros, the direct result of Shul talk was (if you have learned only a little bit about the calamity) literally ravage and massacre in its grossest form.
Let us return for a moment, however, to our departure from Kivros HaTaava on this day--why did it not become an auspicious time forever? Why is this very day marked by such suffering, such torture, such pain? Perhaps the answer belies the question. It may simply be that we have not sufficiently left the taavos--the improper desires--that we began with.
The story is told of a formerly wealthy man who was so beset by creditors that he could not leave the confines of his home for fear of his well-being. His Rabbi came to visit and comfort him while the man was eating dinner, and noticed the finest French wine on the table. When asked about the wine, the man replied, “Rabbi, I crave it. I simply crave it. I cannot be without it.” In truth, it is not the fine wine of this once-wealthy individual that should concern us, but our own behavior. The Ra’avad writes that breaking a desire is a key factor and display of Teshuva. From that extra helping of unhealthy food, that tempting smorgasbord, that unnecessary electronic (adult) gadget (no, there is no Mitzva to discover every last trick your cell phone can do), that extra measure of honor... even that extra pair of shoes are really serious mistakes, as they could (and probably will) mean the stunting of both one’s physical and one’s spiritual growth. As Akavya ben Mehallel taught, “I would rather be a fool in the eyes of all my entire life, rather than a rasha in the eyes of Hashem for one moment.” Even the adage: “A second on your lips, forever on your hips” should ring true to our ears at the moment of temptation. It would seem that if we can consciously combat one temptation daily--we will be on the road of taking ourselves out of the graveyard of temptation and its historic tragic aftermath--to the pinnacles of success. How our world would have been different if Adom and Chava did not fall prey to the one temptation of the Eitz Hadaas!
One last point: The Parsha teaches (Bamidbar 9:23 ) that “Al Pi Hashem Yachanu, V’Al Pi Hashem Yi’sawu--by the word of Hashem they encamped, and by the word of Hashem they traveled.” If we can remember that Hashem is always with us, we would sincerely feel the uncontrollable desire to do, or take, or go… In fact, HaRav Chaim Shmulevitz, Shlita, provides the following mashal: A baby is in its mother’s lap on the bus ride from Tel Aviv to Yerushalayim. At any one point in the trip, where would you say the child is? Near Motza, Telz Stone, K’far Chabad? No, you would say that the child is in its mother’s lap. We are always in Hashem’s embrace--whether we in a restaurant, ice cream store, dress store, home ... If we can remember and appreciate this--why would we go after that second scoop?
Let us each do our part to begin with this--yes, auspicious--day to travel from the Kivros HaTaava to the true Gan Eden we can experience in the very same world.
-------------------------- Reprinted with permission from Hakhel MIS
the chofetz chaim said that regarding a shidduch (marriage partner) people speak when they should be quiet and hold back when they should speak. since we all will be called upon at any time to divulge information about someone for marriage purposes, we must learn what we can and cannot say, what kind of information we can ask for, and when and how to convey that information.things that you may be obligated to say before someone starts dating can be completely prohibited to say after they are dating for a while.
Lesson 2
When you are asked for information about an individual for relationship purposes, be sensitive to the power wielded by every detail conveyed. your words can easily be the sole reason a shidduch is abandoned. also, withholding certain information can be the sole reason a shiduch proceeds which can cause tremendous pain for all involved. These are important things to think about in how we specifically speak with official shiduch inquiries, but also when a friend tells you someone was suggested or that they are dating someone - what could be the first impact of your response when you say "ugh" or "seriously" or say something even specific. Do we think before we have these reactions? do we know what can happen when we react or give information?
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Q. whats the deal about saying lashon hora about people who are not Jewish. It says, “Do not go around as a gossiper among your people” (Leviticus 19:16), and a non-Jew is not “your people.”
A.Obviously, one is forbidden to slander others, for every type of falsehood is always forbidden. Yet the fact that something is permitted does not mean it is recommended. After we left Egypt, on the way to the Land, we spoke Lashon Hara against G-d and against Moses, and G-d unleashed serpents on us. How did that happen? Our sages explain: “The nations refused to allow us to cross through their land and we were forced to make a long, tiring detour, and we spoke Lashon Hara about those nations.. This led us to speak Lashon Hara about G-d and about Moses. Be careful! i) It is a bad habit which could lead to talking other Lashon Hara that is forbidden; ii) It would cause a Chilul Hashem (desecration of God’s name) if they knew you spoke Lashon Hara about them. The rule is this: Guard your tongue! Preserve the purity of your lips!
Lesson 2
In matters of shidduchim or married couples, the subject of lashon hora is a very serious one. Lives can be ruined. Relationships that should exist might be destroyed and destructive relationships might be brought into unjustifiable existence. Children may be crushed. Generations who should be born may not be. Don’t act on your own. Take practical questions to a qualified person. The laws differ for one asking questions and for one replying.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Please print off before Shabbos to review on Shabbos.
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud
Lesson 1
Any statement which is forbidden to relate because it is categorized as Lashon hora would be forbidden to hear, or if already heard, to believe it. This includes listening to and believing tales about improper actions, faulty character traits, lack of intelligence, or the misdeeds of someones family.
Lesson 2
The manner in which lashon hora is conveyed to you (through writing, hinting, speaking, or signaling) makes no difference, it is still the same lashon hora.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
The Torah tells us that the spies delivered a negative report about Eretz Yisrael. They prefaced their statement with positive words, "We arrived at the Land and indeed it flows with milk and honey, and this is its fruit." Then they said, "But the people that dwell in the Land are powerful, the cities are greatly fortified, and we also saw the offspring of the giant."
Although they started with a favorable description of the Land, they subsequently conveyed the enormous challenge of conquering the powerful nations that inhabited the Land.
Yet, we might respond that they were not at fault because they accurately reported the truth. After all, they realistically described both the good points and the bad points.
Yehoshua and Calev saw the same things that the other spies saw. However, they saw it through the lens of steadfast trust in HaShem. Therefore, they said, "The Land that we passed through is very, very good. If HaShem desires us, He will bring us to this Land and give it to us, a Land that flows with milk and honey."
In general, every one sees the same things and collects the same data. The difference lies in how we process the information. Whether we emphasize the good or bad reflects our life’s perspective.
Yehoshua and Calev had supreme confidence in HaShem’s assurance that Eretz Yisrael was a precious - and attainable - gift. Therefore, their view of the Land was colored with optimism, faith, and enthusiasm.
May we view all of life through the lens of unwavering trust in HaShem’s love, compassion, and kindness. In turn, HaShem will bless us with joy, success, and fulfillment.
TODAY: Focus on the good that you receive and fill your heart with gratitude and love of HaShem.
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June 19th, 2008 Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud
Lesson 1
Q. What’s the source for a prohibition about complaining
about Israeli taxi drivers (as a whole), or about the Israeli government (as a
whole), etc.? Or what if I relate a negative experience I had with a
particular Israeli taxi driver, but neither I nor the person I am
speaking to know his name, and we wouldn’t even recognize him if we saw him
again? Or, what about speaking negatively about Israeli government policies?
These things are not related to the land per se.
A. Some people think it is forbidden to speak only about
an individual person, but not against a group. In fact its worse to speak about
a group even without mentioning their names.
For example "the people in that country are very selfish" "the girls in
that camp are snobby" "chassidim in that chassidus are so aggressive" "the
ladies in the bungalow colony are rowdy" "The teachers in that school are not
experienced" "the bus service is so unreliable" "the kids in that school come
from very troubled backgrounds". Its not okay for a teacher or student to talk
about a class in general saying things like "my class is very mischievous". All
of these statements are considered lashon hora because they are belittling an
entire group of Jews. When you generalize a statement onto an entire group of
people i will think those negative things about all taxi drivers - even if i may
not know the particular tax driver you had a bad incident with.
Lesson
2
Q. Are we allowed to tell someone that a certain store
doesn’t accept credit cards or something like that? because if you say that,
then the store will lose out money. Even if its not considered lashon hora that
person will still be making the owner lose money?
A.
You ARE ALLOWED to tell someone that a store doesn’t accept credit
cards because its not a negative thing. The storekeepers made the decision not
to accept that method of payment - its their choice and its not a negative
choice. So yes, you can state that as a fact to your friend. Telling them in a
negative way like "ugh that person is so stupid and behind the times why doesn’t
s/he get credit card machines" That would be considered lashon hora.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon
Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that
is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a
derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to
Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or
child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of
Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Once a merchant traveled
abroad to purchase goods. Since it would take him several days to select the
appropriate merchandise, he was afraid that in the interim someone would steal
the 500 gold pieces that he was carrying. Therefore, he buried the money in the
middle of the forest.
However, through a hole in the wall of a house
that faced the forest the resident of the house saw the man hiding the gold.
That night, the farmer went into the forest and stole the money. A week later,
the merchant returned and to his dismay found that his gold had been
stolen.
He looked around and realized that the farmer must have seen him
hiding the gold. He went to the farmhouse and said, "I am a merchant from out of
town and I need some advice. I asked a few people and they said that you gave
the best advice. I am traveling with 2 sacks of gold. I buried the sack of 500
coins in the forest. My question is: should I bury the sack of 800 coins or
should I leave it in somebody’s trust?"
The farmer answered, "Don’t
deposit the money with anyone here because you don’t know who is trustworthy.
Bury your gold in the forest in the same place and there it will be safe."
As soon as the merchant left, the farmer buried the 500 coins in its
original hiding spot so that when the merchant would return with the 800 coins
he wouldn’t realize they had been stolen. The merchant then returned that night
and collected his missing coins. You can imagine how shocked the farmer was when
he discovered that "his" 500 coins were gone and the other 800 coins that he had
intended to steal were no where to be found!
Not only was the farmer
unable to steal the 800 coins, he even lost the 500 coins that he had been
holding. While none of us would ever steal, the Sages of Mussar tell us there
are offshoots of "stealing" that we should avoid. For instance, we should be
careful not to disturb someone who is sleeping, learning, or working. May we
respect the time and honor of others, in turn, we will be blessed with good,
pleasant, and caring friends.
TODAY: Make every effort not to
disturb someone who is involved in an important
task.
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Salant or
visit our website www.salantfoundation.orgPlease share eMussar with a family member or friend.
In
preparation of their imminent arrival in Eretz Yisrael, Bnei Yisroel sent
twelve distinguished leaders to scout out the land. They failed in their
mission when they returned with a derogatory report about the land that Hashem had told them was good,
and in so doing, caused their entire generation to perish in the desert. Why
were the most distinguished men chosen for this mission, and what clouded their
perception to the point that they were convinced of their defeat should they
enter the Land of Israel?
Rav
Wolbe (Shiurei Chumash Parshas Shelach) quotes the Chiddushei HaRim’s
explanation of this infamous fiasco. Rashi on the first pasuk of the
Torah tells us that the purpose of Creation was for the Jewish People and for
Eretz Yisroel. Therefore, the sojourn of Bnei Yisroel in the desert was merely
transient, because the true goal was life in the Land of Israel. However, the
transition from living in the desert to life in their new country was not going
to be an easy one. In the desert Bnei Yisroel survived on miracles. Their food
fell from the heaven, their water poured forth from a rock; they were protected
from all elements by the clouds of glory, and they had Moshe Rabbeinu who was a
direct link to Hashem by means of “face to face” communication. This would all
change as soon as they entered the new land and became subject to the laws of
nature. Bnei Yisroel’s goal in the Land of Israel was to discern that nature is
a mere facade, and it is Hashem Who provides them with sustenance and for all they
lack. This was the very purpose of Creation and the key to Redemption.
It
was to this end that Bnei Yisroel spent a number of months in the desert.
During this period of time they were to gain an awareness of Hashem’s control
over all aspects of nature and His intimate involvement in every facet of their
lives. They were to take this crystal clear perception of the workings of the
world and bring it with them into Eretz Yisroel. This would give them the
ability to distinguish Hashem’s hand behind the veil of nature and realize that
it is He Who would provide for them in Eretz Yisroel no less than He had done
when they were in the desert. The task was not an easy one, so Hashem said to
send the greatest men of the generation to pave the way. They were to discover
how it feels to out walk out of the clouds of glory and into nature; all the
while being careful not to slip from their lofty spiritual level.
It
was exactly in this area that they failed. They entered the land and were
greeted by giants, “And we were in our own eyes like grasshoppers and so we
were in their eyes” (Bamidbar 13, 33).The spies had perceived things as nature
packaged them. They lost sight of Hashem’s involvement in all aspects of this
world and, therefore, they were awed by giants who were nothing more than a big
physical body. Had they all the while been cognizant of Hashem’s hashgacha,
they would have looked at the giants no differently than had they been made
from cardboard. The spies were not able to take the perception that they had
gained from the time they had spent in the clouds of glory, and properly
process what their natural eyes had seen. Thus, they failed in their mission.
This
is our goal and the purpose of Creation; to see Hashem behind the façade of
nature and to realize that it is a no less a miracle when bread grows from the
ground than when it falls from the sky.
This dvarTorah was compiled by the
family of the Mashgiach Harav Shlomo ben R' Moshe z"l,
l'iluynishmaso
The Sunday AleiShurshiur
will take place at 12:00 noon EST. 518-825-1300 Ext. 10952
The following is excerpted from the excellent work Halachos of Refuah on Shabbos, by Rabbi Yisroel Pinchos Bodner, Shlita and Rabbi Daniel B. Roth, M.D. (Feldheim, 2008):
1. Vitamins which are taken to cure an existing illness are considered to be medicine, and may not be taken on Shabbos (unless one is Incapacitated, or will become Incapacitated [as defined in the Sefer] if he does not take the vitamins).
2. Hagaon Rav Moshe Feinstein, Z’tl, ruled that vitamins and minerals which are taken to supply the body with essential nutrients for growth, or which are taken to gradually enhance the body’s resistance to becoming ill, are not considered to be medicines. Other Poskim are of the opinion that all vitamins are considered medicines. According to this view, one may not take any type of vitamin on Shabbos. However, one can often achieve the desired objective by taking them right before and right after Shabbos.
3. One who has iron-deficiency anemia may not take iron supplements, because he is taking it like a medicine to cure his anemia. (He should take the iron supplements immediately before and after Shabbos).
4. Similarly, some people take Zinc or Vitamin C tablets at the onset of cold symptoms, which may enhance the immune system’s ability to arrest the growth of the cold virus (this approach, of course, is not conclusively proven). Because those tablets are being used as medicine to fight the virus, they may not be taken on Shabbos (unless the person is Incapacitated [as defined in the Sefer], in which case all medications, including vitamins, are permitted).
5. Substances which can pass as food, but which are only eaten for their medicinal qualities, may not be eaten to relieve an Ailment [as defined in the Sefer] on Shabbos. For example, someone suffering from heartburn may not drink a bi-carbonate beverage such as Alka Seltzer (which may pass as a seltzer beverage), or eat an antacid tablet such as a Kosher Tums-like product (which may pass as candy). Although these preparations are edible, because they are primarily used as medicine, they are included in the prohibition and may not be taken on Shabbos.
Important Numbers
