Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 - Speaking TO People Yesterday we learned about the importance of being careful about how we speak and figuring out our desired outcome before speaking badly to or about someone. A common example is when someone is making too much noise. The automatic and usual response is "Whats the matter with you? cant you think of anyone besides yourself? you’re totally inconsiderate. Keep quiet! if you cant stop, get out of here!". This is insulting and counterproductive. Wouldn’t it make more sense to say "I’m sorry to disturb you, but the noise is a bit too loud for me. I’d really appreciate if you could lower it". or "I know that you are a person who wouldn’t want to cause others suffering. I’m sorry but this noise is very painful for me". Or try a negotiation.
Lesson 2 - Speaking ABOUT People When lashon hora is related in the presence of the subject, we are still forbidden to believe it. This applies even if the subject was quiet and didn’t deny the accusation. Silence does NOT verify derogatory information.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 One
of the most important rules to remember when you are tempted to
criticize someone or speak negatively about them is: be clear in your
mind exactly what you want this person to do or to stop doing. Then
figure out the best strategy to move them in this direction. This point
is crucial to master and internalize.
Lesson 2 - In answer to your questions...
Q. what do you do if you have already transmitted the lashon hora to other people?
A. Try to convince the people you spoke to that what you said
isn’t true. when that isn’t possible, ask the subject of the lashon
hora to forgive you. ------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz
Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged
for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 The torah urges the
utmost caution when delivering your opinion of someone else. Labels
such as unfriendly and disorganized can be based on little factual
evidence and yet, can and do exert enormous power in derailing a
shidduch.
Lesson 2 Character assessments are certainly important and
useful, especially if a person is looking for a spouse that posses a
certain type of personality trait. The chofetz chaim stressed
emphatically that the habit of labeling people and disclosing those
labels to others does immeasurable harm. Its very important to learn
to report facts without your own judgment and labels.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz
Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged
for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 When we focus on what our ultimate goal is, or what our goal is for a particular situation, we will frequently find that we have no need to speak negatively of or criticize others. In many instances, specific problems can be solved smoothly. In these situations, blaming another person will cause length arguments and quarrels. Instead, why don’t we focus on a constructive solution instead of the negative.
Lesson 2 Even if a person related lashon hora in the presence of a large number of people, it is still forbidden to accept it as truth.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
Lesson 1. When you want someone to change, focus on positive methods of influencing them. People are much more open to complying with your requests when they like you. If you cause them pain and resentment by insulting them, they will do the exact opposite of what you want.
Lesson 2. If you have heard and believed lashon hora and want to make up for it, here's what you do. As long as you haven't repeated what you've heard to anyone else, you don't have to ask forgiveness from the person being spoken about. However. A) be resolved not to believe what you have already heard. B) Accept upon yourself never to listen to or believe lashon hora. and C) do a confession of sorts when you acknowledge openly between yourself and Gd. what has been done.
For a Refuah Shleima to Menachem Mendel ben Ita Leah
Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE
Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
A major reason why people insult others or talk badly about them is because they lack he knowledge of alternative ways of communicating their displeasure with someones behavior. When someone wrongs or annoys us, it is easy to make disparaging remarks about them or to them. But if you think about it, what is your real goal? it is to influence the person to change, isn’t it? When we master positive techniques to do this, we will accomplish much more than we will by speaking lashon hora and other negative forms of speech.
Lesson 2 If you are told that a person getting tzedakah/charity is not needy, you are obligated to continue giving him charity until the matter is verified by a careful accurate inquiry. Hearing from others doesn’t allow one to speak negatively about such a person.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
We need to have compassion for human frailty. no one is
perfect, everyone has faults and limitations. we must be careful how we
speak to and about people even though we might not approve of
everything they have done. Each individual will have personal quirks
and idiosyncrasies. It is indulging an exercise of futility to think
that you can force anyone to be exactly as you would wish them to be.
Lesson 2
Even though we are forbidden to
believe lashon hora, we are permitted to be cautious on the basis of
what we hear to protect ourselves from any possible loss or damage. We
aren’t allowed to believe the negative information, only allowed to be
careful in our dealings with that person to save ourselves from loss.
Our respect/esteem for that person cannot change.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 It
is important that we learn to see people not as they are right now, but
as they could be if they were to use their potential for good. When we
view people int his manner, we wont insult them for being the way they
are, but will seek ways to influence them to become as great as they
can be.
Lesson 2 If we hear from others that someone
has completely forsaken Torah observance, we are forbidden to believe
that statement. Until this information is verified accurately,
following all guidelines, we cannot change our approach to the person.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- These lessons are derived from a few books: Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal
Accepting other people and their differences is one of the keys to observing the commandment of not causing others pain with words. The less you accept other people, the more likely you are to insult them or to say things they will find painful.
Lesson 2
The key to accepting other people is to realize that everyone is created in the image of G-d. Even if someone does something wrong, his/her essence is precious. Insulting a human being and humiliating them is an affront to the Creator. The more we internalize this awareness, the more careful we will be not to cause each other pain with words.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
A story is told about a shidduch that was broken the day after the vort (engagement party). A message was sent to the brides family that the grooms side had heard negative information about the girl and therefore were breaking the engagement. The brides family was devastated. They wondered who could have degraded the bride. Years later, the truth emerged. At that vort, a relative of the groom overheard the mother of the bride complaining to a family member "i hope the groom will be able to handle her". Little did she know, her very own words would be the cause of the greatest disappointment in her daughters life. Such can be the ramifications of lashon hora
Lesson 2
Some people try to be cautious when talking about others. yet, when it comes to family members, they think they can say what they want. That is such a dangerous misconception. By degrading our own families, we can cause untold harm to the people closest to us and those we love most. It is considered lashon hora to talk negatively about and to family members. (which is why this law is being repeated)
Please Say/Whisper The Words Out Loud Lesson 1 Rechilus (repeating information which can cause ill feelings) is forbidden even when you WRITE the information.
Lesson 2
Rechilus is forbidden even if you AGREE with the information. For example. " I always told you that you are lazy. Even Mr. X. agrees with me about that". ------------------------------------------------------
Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation Rechilus - A word used to depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said about them.
The 32nd Chapter of Tanya
(Chassidic Teachings) addresses the common question of how we are supposed to
love another Jew as ourself, a concept most people see as impossible. Addressing
this issue, the author states that such a question is completely irrelevant because essentially, we
Jews are all compositions of the same
soul. The only thing that separates us from each other is our bodies. The
essence of shmirat halashon (protecting our speech) is not about making sure we
don’t say anything negative about another person because we wouldnt like people
to say that about us. In reality, we are the same person. Speaking Lashon hara
about others is in essence, speaking lashon hora about ourselves. Why would we
do that?
Lesson 2
Moshiach is the harmonization and
perfection of this world. Treating each other with respect and ensuring harmony
in this world gives us a glimpse of what moshiach is, as well as bring us one
step closer to that perfection. Shmirat Halashon is not just a bunch of laws
restricting what we say. Its about learning to appreciate the value of words and
the implications everything we say has on building or breaking relationships.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative
statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) =
Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse,
in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Lesson 1 In the event that a
person knows that something was done against them but doesn’t know who did it,
it is considered rechilus to go over and tell them who did it. For example, Mr.
G. notices that his car window is smashed. Although you saw Yoily accidentally
smash the window it would be considered Rechilus to tell her who did it.
Lesson 2
If your friend tells you that
someone spoke against you, it is considered Rechilus to go back to that person
and ask "why did you say that about me?" For example, Your friend tells you "my
mother complained to me that you never return things you borrow from her". It
would be forbidden for you to confront that friends mother and say "why did you
say that?" Your friends mother will know that her child repeated what she said
and will make her angry at her daughter.
Lashon Hora = Saying a
derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) =
Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse,
in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish
Nation Rechilus - A word used to
depict someone who goes to a person and tells them what someone else has said
about them.
If you are about to disclose
unflattering details about a person for a shidduch but know for a fact
the person asking will not listen to your advice anyways, don’t
disclose that information, it serves no constructive purpose. For
example, if your purpose is to convince a friend not to go out with a
certain person and you know a lot of negative information about them,
only share the negative details if you kow they will follow your
advice.
Lesson 2
If you find out negative
information when inquiring about a shidduch, you can only use that
information to determine whether or not to pursue the shidduch for
which the information was gathered. Once the decision has been made,
you cannot share that information with others.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About
Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive
or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse, in-laws, parent,
child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Lashon
hora is forbidden even without mentioning one word, rather when using
facial expressions like smirking, turning up ones nose, or winking in a
negative manner. For example, when talking on the phone with your
principal, your smirk to your friend regarding the principle.
Lesson 2
Lashon hora is forbidden even when you would say the information in that persons presence. for example,
Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE MotziShaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon
Hora - Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family
member (spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of
Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
About whom is it forbidden to speak lashon hora? A person who is no
longer alive. For example "My 3 year old nephew takes after my wife’s
grandfather whom he’s named after. He is very self centered" This is
lashon hora about the deceased grandfather.
Lesson 2
We are allowed to talk lashon hora
without mentioning a name ONLY if you are absolutely sure the person
you are talking to will never figure out who it is. However, it is
still not a preferable or good thing to do. If there is a
chance at any point now or in the future, the person will figure out
who you are talking about, you cannot say it. For example: you tell a
friend "my sisters fourth grade play was so unprofessional". although
your friend doesn’t know who the 4th grade teacher is, she can easily
find out in the future.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora -
Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
Generally, a person who speaks lashon hora does so from a somewhat
smug and haughty perspective. Such a person, says the chofetz chaim,
shows him/herself to be conceited, because by speaking as he does, he
apparently sees himself as faultless. If we are truly aware of our
faults, we would be reluctant to speak badly of others.
Lesson 2
Another aspect of Lashon hora is Rechilus - which means speech
which can cause ill feelings to be aroused. Rechilus comes from the
word Rachil, a peddler. Just like a peddler, someone who speaks
rechilus hears what one person has to say and hen goes and repeats it
to the next person, thereby causing ill feelings. To be continued.
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
Rechilus
includes repeating negative information which can cause bad feelings.
For example telling someone "your neighbor told me you are lazy"
Lesson 2
Rechilus
also involves relating information which is not negative about someone,
yet will cause bad feelings to the listener. For example if you hear a
groom is contemplating breaking his engagement. After a lot of thought
he decides not to break it off. It would be considered rechilus to tell
the bride "I heard that the groom wanted to break the engagement. The
same law would apply if someone would look for a new partner, tenant...
------------------------------------------------------ Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
Lesson 1 One
could be guilty of speaking rechilus without saying anything new. For
example. Your friend shares her day with you, "today i took my 7
children to the dentist. it was so hectic; they were all crying and
nagging at the same time." Since you are concerned for your friend you
ask her "Where was your husband? why didn’t he come along?" Although
you may mean well, saying something like that can be considered
rechilus because you may have caused your friend to feel annoyed at her
husband for not helping. Such statements can result in severe shalom
bayit problems.
Lesson 2
One
who causes additional hatred between two people who already had bad
feelings towards each other is also guilty of speaking rechilus by
adding fuel to the fire. For example, you known when Mr. S. borrowed
your friend’s vacuum cleaner, the front of it got smashed. At a later
date, you mention to your friend, "you know, when some people borrow
vacuum cleaners, they are not careful with how they handle them". This
is rechilus even though you didn’t mentioned Mr. S’s name. Why? because
as a result of your comment, your friend will remind herself about Mr.
S’s negligence. You will have caused that anger to be reawakened.
Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) = Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member
(spouse, in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews,
Entire Jewish Nation
Rule 3 - when transmitting
information, do it with the mentality of AIDING the shidduch process. If you are
aware of information thats important and you know will disrupt a shidduch for
someone you dislike, try to transmit the details strictly for constructive
purposes. When giving the information, try to eradicate negative feelings to
make sure you can give over the info with the right intentions. If you cant get
rid of your negative feelings toward the person, try to refer the person asking
to someone who has the same information, without the negative
feelings.
Lesson 2
Rule 4 - When giving over information, transmit
it in the least harmful way possible. If its a match that shouldn’t go through,
try to say instead "i dont think this particular girl/guy is for you". Try not
to divulge any negative information if you can achieve the same goal without
giving the negative information.
Lashon Hora = Saying a
derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE Motzi Shaim Ra (Defamation of Character) =
Saying a derogatory statement that is FALSE About Whom is it Forbidden to Speak Lashon Hora
- Any Individual Jew - Alive or not, - adult or child, family member (spouse,
in-laws, parent, child, siblings), groups/sects of Jews, Entire Jewish Nation
Important Numbers
