When a loved one criticizes us, we may just criticize him or her right back. "You left your cup in the sink." "Ya, well you left your shoes in the hallway so don't tell me about cups in the sink!" These counter-attacks deliver the message: "Don't criticize me until you're perfect" - meaning, never criticize me. If we successfully shut down family communication this way, we suffer in the end. To keep the lines of communication open, to give loved ones the message that you are willing to hear their honest complaints and concerns, always respond to the issue directly. "Yes, you're right - I did leave it in the sink. Sorry about that." Don't offer reasons or excuses; just admit when you've messed up and move on.
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If you accidentally (or purposely) hurt your spouse's feelings, allow him or her recovery time. People don't just "snap out of it" because they've received an apology; a wounded heart takes time to heal. Small wounds take less time than big ones.
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When a child is openly defiant (in a "you can't make me" sort of way), stay cool, calm and collected. It may be that he is upset about something or over-tired or testing limits or driven by his genes. Whatever the reason, he isn't "bad" - he is in need of guidance and help. If the issue isn't important, drop it and walk away. Create a plan to use a positive strategy in order to strengthen the desired behavior. However, if the issue is important (cannot safely be ignored), don't stare or glare; quietly but firmly repeat your request to give your youngster one more opportunity to comply (i.e. "You need to get off of the baby right now." or "Please move the bike right now." Follow this second request with a statement of what will happen if he or she chooses not to comply: "Or I'll have to help you get off the baby," or "Or I'll have to move the bike myself." "And if I have to do that, then such & such consequence will occur." Asking the child to comply with an important request or face an unpleasant consequence, gives HIM control of the situation while it helps provide motivation for cooperation. See the 2X-Rule in my book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" for examples of how do this kindly, firmly and effectively. Use the technique only when you absolutely must, as when it is over-used it can INCREASE, rather than decrease, defiance.
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If you'd like to help yourself stop yelling - use the same TRIPLE P Method (Practice, Praise, Prize) that you would use for your child. It would look like this: Your child does something that triggers you and you yell at her. As soon as you can (preferably immediately), apologize and tell her you want to try it again. You will now repeat your message in a normal, respectful tone of voice. That is your PRACTICE step which lays down the first wire for your new automatic program. Ask your child how she liked this new version of your message. If necessary, prompt her to give you some PRAISE (step 2). This will give your brain 50 "free" wires even though you know exactly what is going on here. Finally, tell your child that you are celebrating your new method of self-control by serving a treat to the whole family (or indulging in some other wonderful, rewarding activity). This is your PRIZE step, which lays down 100 "free" wires. Repeat this process until you are fully reprogrammed to speak in a normal tone of voice.
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You are your spouse's friend - not his or her therapist. In fact, unless you ARE a therapist, you are likely to find it overwhelming, draining and depressing to listen to your partner's pain on a daily basis. (And if you ARE a therapist - your spouse is not your client!) Of course - like any good friend - you will be able to listen on occasion. But if your partner carries a significant emotional burden (i.e. is consistently troubled or unhappy), he or she should enlist the help of a mental health professional for relief and healing, while turning to YOU for a break from negativity, a bit of comfort and good cheer, love and affection, encouragement and companionship. If YOU'RE the one who is deeply unhappy, understand that your spouse is not there to listen to your endless struggles. He or she wants to enjoy an overall positive relationship (along with its occasional issues, difficulties and challenges). Your spouse wants to laugh with you more than cry with you - so share your intense and/or chronic pain with your therapist; share your love and your life with your spouse.
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Of course you want your child to behave appropriately! Appropriate behavior fosters success in every realm: relationships, school and work performance, and social and emotional well-being. Now you can acquire the knowledge and skills you need to foster appropriate behavior in every member of your family. I'm so excited to be able to offer this ebooklet to you now! Check it out HERE.
put an end to inappropriate, harmful, hurtful, self-defeating, uncooperative or otherwise unacceptable behavior once and for all
learn EXACTLY how to get your child to make lasting, positive behavioral changes
learn how to identify and avoid techniques that don't work
learn how to speed up the learning process
acquire the brain science that will empower you to positively influence anyone's behavior (even your spouse's and your own!
Get ready for big changes! "Better Behavior Now" will take you there in no time!
Take the next step on the parenting journey; read, learn and apply the "Better Behavior Now!" Approach. I know you'll love it!
All the best,
Sarah Chana
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One way to help your child learn how to manage anger and irritation is through your own daily demonstrations of emotional regulation. When you are starting to feel frustrated, annoyed or otherwise irritated, SAY SO ("I'm starting to feel frustrated."). Then, show and explain what you are going to do to help yourself through that feeling ("I'm just going to sit down, breathe slowly and see if I can help myself feel better."). Do this regularly and your child will learn that this is what people do when they're angry - they don't yell, hit or say hurtful words; they name their feelings and breathe themselves back to calm.
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Let's analyze this scene: a child is having a meltdown because she didn't get her way. Mom is standing firm on the issue and Dad, a kindly soul, is telling Mom to "loosen up" and let the child have what she wants. Analysis: When a child screams because she isn't getting what she wants, no trauma is actually occurring. No one ever shows up to therapy in adulthood complaining about the day that Mom said "no" to popsicles. However, Dad's compassion for the child CAN produce trauma. People DO show up to therapy talking about how much their parents argued and particularly how much they argued about parenting. "I felt it was my fault that they got divorced..." In this scenario we would advise Dad not to be alarmed by his daughter's tears. If Mom had been screaming at the little girl, then yes - try to help out because screaming parents can cause trauma. We would tell Dad that learning to accept "no" gracefully is an important life skill and he should allow his calm but firm wife to teach it. Even if Dad feels that Mom is cold-hearted ("She never gives our daughter treats.."), trying to change this in front of the daughter is a dangerous approach. Dad should discuss it alone with his wife or together with her and a therapist.
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When a child provokes us, we may be tempted to tell her "You are making me very upset right now!" However, doing so lays an unfair burden of guilt upon the youngster. Even if she happens to be writing on your walls at the moment, she is not actually MAKING you upset...she's only part of the problem. Other factors affecting your emotional reaction to her behavior include the overall state of your nerves (the quality of your sleep, diet, exercise, relationships, work stress), your life history (including your childhood experiences and the parenting you received), the way your day is going and much more. If this child had just been released from hospital after suffering a life-threatening illness, Heaven Forbid, you might be thrilled to see her writing on your wall! Or, if you had just come home from a parenting class, you might be able to calmly and "professionally" deal with the misbehavior, without the upset. So you see, it is not the misbehavior itself that is responsible for your emotional state, but rather a host of other factors that co-exist with it. What IS true, and what you can honestly and fairly say is, "I'm starting to get very upset right now." This small difference in wording can make a huge difference in psychological impact. Follow this statement with an action plan that your child can learn from: "I need to sit down, calm down and think about what I want to do about this."
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You're so upset you want to scream, BUT instead, you force yourself to speak very quietly and very slowly. Doing so gives your brain the impression that you are feeling calm and so it sends you more calming chemistry. You maintain your cool under pressure AND your calm demeanor helps calm your kids down as well. Had you let out that scream, your brain would have decided that you are dealing with an emergency and it would have sent you more emergency chemistry which would have caused you to escalate even more which would have triggered your children to do the same! Speak low and slow to trick your brain - and your children's brains - into calmness.
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Use the Triple-P Method - Practice, Praise & Prize - to re-wire your child's brain for success. Would you like your child to use his words instead of his hands to get what he wants from his sibling? Don't just TELL him to use his words. Get him to PRACTICE using his words - this builds the first new wire in his brain. Once he has said the appropriate words (e.g. "Can I please have a turn now?"), use PRAISE ("I like the way you said that!"). Praise builds 50 new wires in the brain. Finally, offer a small reward - PRIZE - for behaving appropriately ("Since you used your words, I think we should all have some cookies and milk!"). A Prize builds 100 new wires. Repeat the process several times in order to build a super-highway of wires in the brain for the new, appropriate behavior. Triple-P: Practice, Praise, Reward - your magic tool for installing new behavioral patterns.
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When your child tells you to stop naming his feelings or otherwise indicates that he doesn't like your attempts at emotional coaching, consider these 2 possibilities: 1) You are naming his feelings while he is extremely upset. When adrenalin is flowing, the listening brain is "offline." Wait until your child has calmed down a bit before trying to name his feelings. 2) You sound inauthentic (and manipulative). This happens when we try to name feelings without FEELING them. Try this: Imagine your child told you he had nothing to do and was having an awful day. Instead of quickly naming his feeling ("Sounds like you're bored."), take a moment to remember a time when YOU had nothing to do and were bored out of your mind. Remember how awful that felt. When you have the feeling inside of you, THEN name your child's feeling ("That sounds awful! Soooo boring! I hate when that happens!"). Remember, naming feelings is NOT a technique: it is a heartfelt communication. As the sages say, "Words from the heart enter the heart" - your authentic communication will be well-received
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There are things you can do and things you cannot do in parenting. For example, you cannot - through parenting techniques - raise a happy child. This is because the happiness of a human being depends on many factors. Genetic considerations are primary. Was your child born with genes that predispose him to anger, anxiety or sadness? If so, you can do the best parenting in the world and his happiness will still be affected by those genes. Your good parenting will help reduce his suffering to be sure, but it cannot on its own bring him to a happy state of mind. But genes are not the only factor that can disrupt happiness: the other parent, the siblings, the school experience, social experiences, illness, trauma, and other issues out of your control, will affect your child's state of mind and mood. A far more realistic idea is: "you can make a positive contribution to your child's emotional well-being." Be your best self and do your best parenting and you WILL make a positive contribution to your child's emotional well-being.
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No, you are not the only one whose child behaves badly in public places. Nor are you the only one who's child has problems in school. You are not the only one who's child has gotten in trouble with authorities and you are not the only one who's child has relationship challenges, physical health challenges, mental health challenges or any other challenging challenges. In fact, you are not the only one who is experiencing difficult parenting challenges and on the contrary - you are in the company of all of those who have taken on the extremely complex and complicated task of raising a human being. To put it succinctly: you are not alone.
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The time to raise a helpful teenager is when your child is still small! Use plenty of praise to encourage little kids to help out and they'll help out for a lifetime. But teens who are suddenly asked to do these things are no longer so enthusiastic. If you find yourself with an unhelpful older child or teen, be patient! Help change his or her attitude using only positive techniques. For example, ask the youngster to clear the table. Do not do it for her and do not offer criticism or complaint. Don't argue or fight - as this will make her attitude WORSE, rather than better! When she eventually clears her plate (or whatever you asked her to do), use sincere praise ("Thank you Honey. I really appreciate it."). Be absolutely consistent with this strategy and, over time, you should see some improvement.
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As soon as a child is capable, stop treating him like he's helpless. As soon as he can make his bed, stop making it for him. As soon as he can make his lunch, have him prepare at least part of it. As soon as he can clear his plate, make sure he does. Doing things for your child that he can do himself gives him the impression that he is entitled to service and that YOU are his servant! If your motive in serving him is to convey your love, you can do it far better by developing your empathic listening skills, showing positivity and affection, and by reducing anger. Later in life your child will learn that service can be hired; love cannot.
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When you are puttering around the kitchen, and a child or spouse happens by, smile for no reason. And then just go back to what you were doing. A quiet smile speaks volumes of love.
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