When a child provokes us, we may be tempted to tell her "You are making me very upset right now!" However, doing so lays an unfair burden of guilt upon the youngster. Even if she happens to be writing on your walls at the moment, she is not actually MAKING you upset...she's only part of the problem. Other factors affecting your emotional reaction to her behavior include the overall state of your nerves (the quality of your sleep, diet, exercise, relationships, work stress), your life history (including your childhood experiences and the parenting you received), the way your day is going and much more. If this child had just been released from hospital after suffering a life-threatening illness, Heaven Forbid, you might be thrilled to see her writing on your wall! Or, if you had just come home from a parenting class, you might be able to calmly and "professionally" deal with the misbehavior, without the upset. So you see, it is not the misbehavior itself that is responsible for your emotional state, but rather a host of other factors that co-exist with it. What IS true, and what you can honestly and fairly say is, "I'm starting to get very upset right now." This small difference in wording can make a huge difference in psychological impact. Follow this statement with an action plan that your child can learn from: "I need to sit down, calm down and think about what I want to do about this."
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