Lesson 1
When we correct people, we can end up misusing  the word ’always’. Ex: Why do you always forget to bring me what i ask for? "You always say the same things". ’Always’statements tend to be exaggerations and cause a lot of distress.

Lesson 2
Reflect before you use the word ’always’, does anyone ever always do something? Literally, this would be mean the person never does anything otherwise: at all times, with all people, and in all situations. In reality, this is quite rare.

Lesson 1
Sometimes we don’t explicitly say the word ’always’ but we imply it. Ex: You refuse to do favors for others". The way this is worded implies that the person always refuses. This falls into the same category of always statements, a statement that is exaggerated, endless, and does not have manageable implications

Lesson 2
Asides for causing people pain, using "always" statements is a very ineffective way to motivate someone. Note- The easier you make it seem to correct a fault, the greater a chance the other person will make the effort. Try to motivate the person to improve one step at a time. Instead of using the word always, why not say "what you said this time or this word was inappropriate for this reason" - make it practical, tangible, and conquerable.



(Lessons taken from The Power of Words by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin)

Please Say/Whisper the Words out Loud

Lesson 1
Answering questions can be really frustrating, especially if you see that someone tends to ask questions only because they have developed a habit of not thinking for themselves. If you want to help them, tell them this in a way that will give them more confidence in their ability to think for themselves "you are a bright person, just have a bit of patience and you will be able to find this type of answer for yourself".


Lesson 2
If you have no patience to answer peoples questions, have the courage to admit it. Don’t make other people suffer because of your own inpatients. Be straight up "i really should tell you the truth, I’m not up to it now, please consult someone else".

(Lessons taken from The Power of Words by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin)

Please Say/Whisper the Words out Loud

Lesson 1
When someone asks you a question, they are making themselves vulnerable by admitting they do not know something.  To say to someone "what, you don’t know such a simple thing?" causes onaas dvarim (pain with words). Such comments will not make the person any wiser, just intimidate them and prevent them from asking for vital information in the future.

Lesson 2
Answering someones questions is an act of kindness, when we recognize this, we can be prevented from feeling irritated at the questioner.

(Lessons taken from The Power of Words by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin)

 

Lesson 1- ABOUT people

 

It is considered lashon hora to talk negatively about a book, newspaper or publication written by a Jewish author. Ex: "Oh that book was so boring", "lately the articles in that newspaper are not interesting".

 

Lesson 2 - TO People

 

An example: When someone is making too much noise, an insulting approach would be : "whats the matter with you, can’t you think of anyone but yourself? Keep quiet, or get out". How about instead, "I’m sorry to disturb you but the noise is a bit too loud for me. I’d really appreciate if you could lower it". Which would result in your ultimate goal?

 

(Lashon Hora = Reporting something negative about someone else that is TRUE)

 

Lessons taken from Purity of Speech by C.T. Friedman and The Power of Words by Rabbi Pliskin)

 

Lesson 1

 

It may seem harmless to talk negatively about a business product, service, hotel etc. These fall under the category of lashon hora because they can cause the person financial harm and/or shame as well as force them out of business. Even though this sounds exaggerated, we know that words travel very quickly and can cause untold damage.

 

Lesson 2

 

If someone asks you for information about a store, product, or resort for the purposes of buying or renting - all rules of "speaking for a constructive purpose" must be met. (to be continued)

 

(Lashon Hora - Saying something negative about someone else that is TRUE)

 

Lessons taken from Purity of Speech, by C.T. Friedman)

 

Lesson 1

 

It can be considered lashon hora to talk negatively about a resort, hotel, bungalow colony, or camp as it may affect the owner’s source of livelihood and cause them shame. E.g. "the bungalows in my brother’s colony are so shabby" ** If negative information about a store, bungalow etc. needs to be said for a constructive purpose i.e. to prevent harm, there are numerous conditions that apply and specific ways to go about it. In some cases, you may be obligated to speak about it. This will be discussed.

 

Lesson 2

 

For every moment that a Jew refrains from speaking forbidden words, s/he earns for themselves a hidden spiritual light that is beyond anything that anyone can fathom.

 

(Lashon Hora = Reporting something negative about someone else that is TRUE)

 

(Lessons taken from Purity of Speech by C.T. Friedman and The Gift of Speech by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman)

 

Friday - 9 Heshvan

 

Lesson 1 - ABOUT people

 

Speaking negatively about a business, product, service, hotel, or colony is lashon hora as it can cause financial harm to the person. Ex: "That company’s food has no taste"

 

Lesson 2 - TO people

 

The most important rule to remember when you are tempted to criticize someone is: be clear in your mind exactly what you want this person to do or stop doing. Then figure out the best strategy to influence the person to move in this direction.

 

Shabbat - 10 Heshvan

 

Lesson 1 -ABOUT people

 

To say that a store is overpriced is also lashon hora as it will prevent people from going in there.

 

Lesson 2 - TO people

 

When you focus on what you want, you will often find that you have no need to negatively criticize someone else, problems will be solved with smoothness.

 

(Lessons Taken from Purity of Speech and the Power of Words by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin)

 

Lesson 1 - ABOUT people

 

We learned that lashon hora is speech that can cause another person degradation or shame. Another form of lashon hora is speech which may cause financial harm.

 

Lesson 2 - TO people

 

Of you cause someone pain or resentment by insulting them, they will tend to react with a polarity response, they will do the opposite of what you want. (Taken from The Power of Words, by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, and Purity of Speech)

 

Lesson 1 - Speaking ABOUT People

 

If someone is chosen for an honorable position (like speaker, president), it would be considered lashon hora to express your disapproval. Ex: "I cant believe they chose Mrs. X as principle, couldn’t they find someone more suitable?"

 

Lesson 2 - Speaking TO People

 

When you want someone to change, focus on positive methods of influencing them. People are much more open to complying with your requests when they like you.

 

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These lessons are taken from:

Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin

The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin

Chofetz Chaim: A Lesson a Day - The Concepts and Laws of Proper Speech Arranged for Daily Study By Shimon Finkleman and Yitzhok Berkowitz

Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon

Chofetz Chaim - A Daily Companion: Arranged by Reb Yehuda Zev Segal

 

Lesson 1 - Speaking ABOUT people

 

The Chofetz Chaim says that the most powerful segulah for parnassah (income) in abundance is guarding our speech.

 

Lesson 2 - Speaking TO people

 

A positive approach when trying to get a point across to someone - try the sandwich technique "You know, I am aware that you are such a special person. However, can I tell you something that is bothering me? Then you lay it out. And then you close the sandwich by saying: "but I am sure you didn’t do it on purpose".

 

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These lessons are taken from:

Guard your Tongue: Adapted from Choeftz Chaim by Zelig Pliskin

The Power of Words by Zelig Pliskin

Purity of Speech: A short lesson on the halachot of shmirat Halashon

 

Lesson 1 - Speaking ABOUT People

 

We mentioned that downplaying a compliment can be considered lashon hora as it causes shame. Another example - A respected Rabbi comes from England to America. When you speak to your relatives from England you mention: "It’s so interesting. Here in America, nobody makes such a fuss over him".

 

Lesson 2 - Speaking TO People

 

A main reason why people insult others is because they lack the knowledge of alternative ways of communicating their displeasure with someones behavior. Its easier to insult them. We should think about our goal though? Aren’t we trying to influence the person to change? There are many positive techniques to do this that will accomplish more than insults.

 

(Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE)

 

Lesson 1

 We said that revealing that someone does not excel in certain areas is lashon hora. Why? isn’t it socially acceptable that most people do not excel in every area? The reason a statement like "She can’t sing on tune" is considered lashon hora is because the person being spoken about would feel shame if she knew others were speaking about her in such a way.

 

Lesson 2

It is considered lashon hora to downplay a compliment given to someone else because it can cause shame to the person being spoken about. Ex: "I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about him, he is just an ordinary person.

 

(Lashon Hora = Saying a derogatory/negative statement about someone else that is TRUE)

Friday - 2 Heshvan

 

Lesson 1 If you hear a child talking negatively about a teacher, it is important to stop them. Teach the child that if the teacher bothered them personally or did something that was wrong or inappropriate, then they should come to the parent privately to discuss.

 

Lesson 2 If there is an issue to be discussed about a teacher/rebbe, it should not be done in front of other children or adults - rather, only with the person who can help them address the issue constructively.

 

Shabbat - 3 Heshvan

 

Lesson 1 Talking about another Jew in a manner which can cause them shame (even thought it is not degrading) is lashon hora.

 

Lesson 2 - an example of the above lesson - Revealing that someone does not excel in certain areas or performs tasks poorly is lashon hora. This applies even if many people (including yourself) do not excel in this area. Ex: "did you hear the song she sang? it was so off tone!" "did you read the article s/he wrote? it was not written well at all"

 

Lesson 1 - Speaking Lashon Hora to Hashem(God) - update We said before that reporting negatively about Jewish people (individually or collectively) to Gd can be considered tattletaling and can be lashon hora. This can often be done as a form of venting. When we need to vent or have an issue to work out, there are conditions that allow us to speak to one person to do so for a constructive purpose. Confiding in Gd is something that we are allowed to do if it is not just complaining or tattletaling, but is rather done constructively and purposefully. For example, instead of saying "Dear Gd my neighbor is horrible and mean can you get rid of her please", it would be constructive to use a different approach and say "Dear Gd, i have been having a very difficult time with my neighbor, please give ME the strength to be able to deal with it, or please help HER deal with her own issues so she could be happier". There is a very important quote that say something to the effect of "who is a strong person, someone who can turn an enemy into a friend". That is constructive.

 

Lesson 2 - another example of speaking of past negative traits (something that is Lashon Hora) Parents often speak this way about their children unintentionally by saying things like: " my daughter now takes care of herself,she’s not sloppy like she used to".

 

Lesson 1

 

It is considered lashon hora to talk about someones past negative traits. This applies even if you are trying to complement them or say in a positive way how much the person has changed for the better. Example: "Look how far she’s come. Do you know how she used to dress two years ago?"

 

Lesson 2

 

When would it be permitted to discuss negative traits? If we are doing it for a constructive purpose - specifically educating/protecting your children or students. (all the laws of speaking for a constructive purpose apply.

 

Lesson 1 Just as we are not allowed to reveal that someone did something wrong, we are also not allowed to discuss peoples bad character traits i.e. strong temper, lazy nature, stinginess... For example "My grandmother was a very nervous mother because she experienced many hardships in her life"

 

Lesson 2 It is considered lashon hora to reveal that someone lost their temper, even if it is said as a "by the way" type of comment"... like "the secretary yelled at me for bothering my daughter..."