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Blog Image: parenting_post.jpeg
Stress builds when we've got too much to do, too little time, not enough help.....
When feeling rushed, pressured and overwhelmed, it sometimes helps to speak very slowly and softly. It can trick the nervous system into sending you more calming chemistry. As the chemistry kicks in, you'll start to feel better despite your heavy and demanding schedule. The opposite is also true however: the faster and louder you speak, the more anxious you'll start to feel, which will lead to an even more frantic and overwhelmed state. So help yourself: go slowly and quietly into your tasks.

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 3/11/2018 7:26 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Saying "I'm sorry," is a good beginning, but it's really only half of what needs to be said....
When teaching your kids how to apologize, let them know that saying "I'm sorry" is a very good start. Then, both show and tell them how to make a complete apology that includes both regret and an acknowledgment of the pain one caused. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. I know you must have been frustrated and worried." "I'm sorry for interrupting you. I made you lose your train of thought." "I'm sorry I raised my voice. I know it hurts you when I do that." "I'm sorry I forgot to clean up. I made extra work for you."

Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 3/11/2018 7:25 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Your mouth wants to go before your brain kicks in....what should you do?
It's almost never an emergency; better to say the right thing later, than to say the wrong thing now. Take your time to strategize.

Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 3/11/2018 7:24 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Practical Pesach Pointers – 5778/2018
Part 1 – Preparing for Pesach
Reprinted from Halacha Hotline of Five Towns and Far Rockaway Community.  info@halachahotline.org 

Although we clean our homes thoroughly before Pesach, we are still required to perform a proper bedikas chameitz (search for chameitz) in every place in which chameitz might have been brought.[1] This includes all rooms regarding which there is reason to suspect that one might have brought in chameitz or into which one walked during a meal or during the course of a snack. Closets, shelves and drawers regarding which there is no reason to imagine that chameitz was brought in their vicinity do not require bedikah. If small children walk around the house carrying chameitz, one must check any area (even drawers) accessible to them. After rooms have been cleaned for Pesach, children should not be permitted to walk around with chameitz. Until Erev Pesach, one may give children Pesach macaroons or the like from a hechsher (Kashrus supervision) on which one relies during the year even if would not rely on it that hechsher on Pesach (due to one’s personal Pesach stringencies). One may also give them egg-matzos or rice cakes, even though – according to Ashkenazic custom – these foods are not eaten on Pesach.

Since our homes are large and difficult to check properly in one night, one may begin bedikas chameitz several nights earlier, checking one or more rooms each night – without a b’rachah. One may certainly use an electric flashlight to check at such time (see note 4). At least one room must be left to be checked on the night of bedikas chameitz,[2] at which time the b’rachah is recited.

On the night of bedikas chameitz, other members of the family (who are responsible adults), may assist in the bedikah, each checking one room or more. The ba’al habayis[3] recites the b’rachah and all those who are assisting must listen to his b’rachah. They should (preferably) answer Amen, but not Baruch Hu U’varuch Shemo. (See note regarding the usage of a flashlight on the night of bedikas chameitz.)[4]

The custom is to place ten pieces of chameitz around the house on the night of bedikas chameitz (see note).[5] It is preferable that they be placed by someone other than the one who will be performing the bedikas chameitz (see note).[6] However, they should not be placed by young children, who are liable to forget where they placed the pieces, unless an adult (or at least a responsible child) keeps track of where the pieces are placed. Each piece should be less than a k’zayis (olive size),[7] and preferably wrapped in a tissue wrap, and sealed with tape. Collectively, the pieces should add up to at least the size of a k’zayis.[8] One should not place the pieces in unusual places that do not require bedikah.

When cleaning for Pesach, one is not required to move heavy appliances such as a refrigerator or washing machine (unless it is easy to do so, such as if they are on wheels).[9] (See note for exception.)[10] One should merely clean and vacuum under and around such appliances as best as possible. If it is possible to remove the bottom drawer of the oven or the bottom panel of the refrigerator and clean underneath, one should do so.

One who will be away from home for Pesach must nevertheless perform bedikas chameitz and must, therefore, rid one’s home of chameitz. If doing such is difficult, one may sell the entire house to the non-Jew to whom one is selling one’s chameitz. Note: Even if the house no longer requires bedikah, one is required to somehow fulfill one’s personal obligation of performing a bedikah. One should discuss with one’s Rav whether to exclude one room of the house from the sale to the non-Jew, and to perform bedikah on that room or/and perform bedikah where one is staying for Pesach on the night of bedikas chameitz. To access an article relevant to one who is going away for Pesach, click here.

Burning the chameitz: One should dispose of most of one’s chameitz before Erev Pesach. Only a small amount of chameitz should be kept for burning, but one should make sure that it is at least the size of a k’zayis (see note).[11] One should not attempt to burn flour, vacuum cleaner bags, bagels, macaroni, or anything wrapped in a plastic bag, since these are difficult to burn and are likely to not be consumed completely by the fire. Such items, if remaining, should be thrown into a public garbage bin before the sof z’man bi’ur.[12]

One may not eat matzah on Erev Pesach, but one may eat Pesach kneidlech (matzah balls) until the end of the ninth proportional hour of the day.[13] There is a dispute amongst the Poskim (halachic authorities) whether one may eat matzah-meal cakes on Erev Pesach even before the end of the ninth hour of the day.[14]

There are different standards regarding the matzos one eats on Pesach. L’chatchilah (preferably/initially), one should eat only hand-baked shmurah matzos for the Pesach Seder. However, some have the custom to use machine matzos even for the Seder; the matzos must still be machine-shmurah matzos.[15] There is a worthwhile chumrah (stringency) to eat only shmurah matzah (hand or machine) the entire Pesach. Those who use non-shmurah matzos for the remainder of Pesach should try to use only “18-minute” matzos with a reliable hechsher. One should note that all products containing matzah-meal or cake-meal should be of the same standard as the matzos that one eats. Most Pesach cakes, snacks and cereals that contain matzah-meal are not made from “18-minute” matzos.

It is preferable to use red wine for the four kosos.[16] However, one who dislikes red wine may drink white wine (see also note).[17] Before Yom Tov, one may mix white wine with red wine to give it a red color. If one did not mix the wines before Yom Tov, the custom is to allow mixing them on Yom Tov if one first pours the red wine into the receptacle and then adds the white wine, thereby avoiding a concern of the melachah[18] of tzove’a (“coloring”) on Yom Tov (see note).[19]

IY”H,[20] next week, we will discuss the halachos of the Pesach Seder.

[1] See Rema, Orach Chaim 433:11 with Mishnah Berurah #46. Cf. Sha’arei Teshuvah on Rema (ibid.).
[2] That is, the night before Pesach (unless Pesach begins on Motz’ei Shabbos, in which case the night of bedikas chameitz is Thursday night, not Friday night).
[3] Literally: the head of household.
[4] In our houses, using a candle often poses a fire hazard. However, the minhag (custom), based on the Gemara (Pesachim 7b-8a) is to use a candle. It is possible to preserve the minhag yet remain safe by reciting the b’rachah and beginning the bedikah with a candle – in a non-flammable area, and then switching to a flashlight shortly thereafter.
[5] The reason is as follows: The purpose of performing a bedikah is to search for chameitz. If one does not find any chameitz, there is concern that the b’rachah on the bedikah is a b’rachah l’vatalah (blessing in vain). To prevent such a scenario, we put out bread before beginning the bedikah so that we are assured of finding at least those pieces (Rema O.C. 432:2). (Putting out specifically ten pieces of bread is based on the Kabbalistic writings of the Arizal; see Kaf Hachayim 432:13.) The Poskim (halachic authorities) write, however, that putting out chameitz before the bedikah is actually not required according to halacha, since the mitzvah is not to locate chameitz, but merely to search for chameitz (Rema ibid.; see also Taz, cited in Mishnah Berurah ad loc.). Nevertheless, the Poskim write that one should act in accordance with the custom (M.B. ibid.). [In fact, nowadays that we follow the ruling of the Rema (O.C. 433:11) that prior to the bedikah one should clean one’s house well, it would seem that we should be required according to halacha to put out the pieces of bread even when doing bedikah at home (see Sha’arei Teshuvah ad loc.). Indeed, Sha’ar Hatziyun (432:12) writes such in the name of the Eimek Halacha. Cf. Dirshu Mishnah Berurah note to Sha’ar Hatziyun (ibid.) and Koveitz Halachos chapter 5 note 8.]
[6] See Dirshu Mishnah Berurah n.e. 432:12 note 17. Nevertheless, it would seem that one who will be performing the bedikas chameitz and has no one else to place the pieces may place the pieces oneself.
[7] Sha’arei Teshuvah 432:7.
[8] See M.B. 445:10.
[9] See Koveitz Halachos, Pesach 6:25, based on Shulchan Aruch O.C. but see note that follows).Likewise, any piece of furniture that might become damaged or cause damage (to the floor or carpet) by moving need not be moved for bedikas chameitz.
[10] If, however, one places a large appliance within 30 days before the night of bedikah in a location, the leniency does not apply (see S.A. ibid.). Thus, if within 30 days before the night of bedikah one wishes to place a large appliance, one should perform a proper bedikas chameitz on that location before placing the large appliance (Koveitz Halachos, Pesach 6:26).
[11] Due to the doubt as to the precise measurement of a halachic k’zayis, one should burn chameitz at least the size of an egg. See M.B. 486:1.
[12] The time before which all chameitz must be destroyed, sold or disposed of. (This year, in the Five Towns/Far Rockaway vicinity, sof z’man bi’ur according to the opinion of the GR”A (see note that follows) is at approximately 11:56 AM, and according to the opinion of the Magen Avraham is at approximately 11:43 AM.) The Mishnah Berurah (443:8) writes that with regard to achilas chameitz one should l’chatchilah (initially/preferably) follow the more stringent opinion of the Magen Avraham. Perhaps the same ruling applies to bi’ur chameitz.
[13] M.B. 471:20. One proportional hour is calculated by dividing the hours of daytime into twelve equal portions. There is a dispute among the Poskim (halachic authorities) whether daytime for this purpose is defined as beginning at alos hashachar (daybreak) and ending at tzeis hakochavim (nightfall – when three stars medium are visible) (Magen Avraham), or as beginning at haneitz hachamah (sunrise) and ending at sh’kiah (sunset) (GR”A). See M.B. 233:4. Nine proportional hours into the day translates into three proportional hours before the end of the day (as defined above.) (According to the opinion of the GR”A, nine “proportional hours” into the day on Erev Pesach this year is at approximately 4:09 PM in the Five Towns/Far Rockaway vicinity. According to the opinion of the Magen Avraham it is at approximately 4:45 PM – if calculating presuming alos hashachar to be 72 minutes before haneitz hachamah and tzeis hakochavim to be 72 minutes after sh’kiah; and approximately at 4:18 PM – if calculating presuming dawn to be when the sun is 16.1 degrees below the horizon and nightfall to be when the sun is 36 degrees below the horizon.)
[14] See Rema O.C. end of 471:2 with M.B. #20; see also Koveitz Halachos, Pesach 16:7 note 9 at length.
[15] See S.A. O.C. 460:1 with Bi’ur Halacha s.v. matzas mitzvah.
[16] Cups of wine at the Pesach Seder. S.A. O.C. 472:11.
[17] If one has both red wine and white wine and the white wine is superior to the red wine, one may use the white wine (S.A. ibid.).
[18] Labor forbidden on Shabbos/Yom Tov.
[19] Sh”ut Sheivet HaLevi 10:56. However, Rav Elyashiv (cited in Hilchos Shabbos B’Shabbos, vol.1 page 749, with note 61) rules that pouring red wine into white wine on Yom Tov solely for the purpose of creating red wine for the Seder is forbidden Biblically. Accordingly, he would likely hold that even pouring white wine into red wine for such purpose would be forbidden. (See also See Mishnah Berurah 320:56 and 318:65.)
[20] Im Yirtzeh Hashem (G-d Willing).



Posted 3/9/2018 10:12 AM | Tell a Friend | Articles of Interest | Comments (0)


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When your own parents aren't supportive....
We never outgrow the wish for our parents' approval. Even in those cases where a person must admit - at least intellectually - that his or her parents just can't give it, the yearning for it doesn't diminish. We can - and should - step in and offer that approval and support to OURSELVES from the most nurturing and loving part of our own psyche. We can understand and sympathize with our own struggles, encourage and support our own efforts, praise and commend our own endeavors. We can do this for our loved ones as well and as we do so, we will find that not only will THEY benefit, but we will too. Loving words heal both the speaker and the listener.

Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/19/2018 8:01 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Will you be one of those parents who enjoys fantastic relationships with their teenage and adult children?
When we show plenty of affection and approval to a child, we can get away with occasional displays of displeasure and anger. We are, after all, human and we do, after all, feel real irritation from time to time as we go through our parenting day. Nonetheless, we will want to express less negativity than we feel because this young person - as challenging as he or she may currently be - is growing into a person who may one day be one of the truest, closest, most loving friends that we will ever have. The love we show now nurtures this potential lifelong friendship. Keep the future in mind when you correct and guide your child today.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/19/2018 7:59 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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You can't always know what to do THIS time, but you can certainly plan for the future..
In the heat of the parenting or marriage moment, the goal is to minimize damage. When a child or partner is intensely agitated or upset, YOU cannot force him or her to turn off those feelings; you can only (if you are physically safe) remain calm and present, waiting for the storm to settle enough that you can say something. What you choose to say at that moment may be minimal - something that acknowledges the distress, promises to address it at a specific time later on, and helps to redirect the person (i.e. "I understand you're really upset at me right now...let's talk about that after dinner and see what we can do about it...right now, we have to leave.") Take time AFTERWARD to think about what you want the person to know for the future. Think about strategies you might use in your communication and/or intervention. Then apply those strategies when the time is right.

Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/16/2018 12:03 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Your child's teacher has a lot to do with your child's happiness and success this year...
When you make your child's teacher feel appreciated and supported, your CHILD benefits. Get on the teacher's team: acknowledge whatever challenges your child has and figure out together, how to best help. Be sure to let the teacher know how much the child likes him or her and, through your own smiles and kind words, ensure that your personal approval comes across as well. A teacher works hard for an appreciative and understanding parent - but is not likely to go that extra mile for one who complains and criticizes. No matter how justified you feel, don't risk your child's year by getting "tough" with the teacher.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/16/2018 12:00 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Here's what to do after you've said something you never should have said...
When you've said something to a loved one that you now regret, first forgive yourself. Then ask your loved one to forgive you for your inappropriate outburst. Then forgive your loved one for triggering you to the point that you said something that you now regret. Compassion and forgiveness are good for all of you, all the time.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/16/2018 11:55 AM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Do you feel like you're failing in the eyes of others? Here's the cure....
No one is as hard on you as you are on yourself. No one is thinking all night about the sweater you wore to the event. No one is worrying all day about the fact that you fed your kids macaroni and cheese for 2 days in a row. In fact, no one cares much about the small details of your life because EVERYONE is busy worrying about their own life. Therefore, don't stress about what others think and do cut yourself some slack. Loving yourself makes it easier to love your family too.

Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 2/16/2018 11:54 AM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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It's natural to worry about a child whose problems are already creating challenges for him or her.....
There's no point in worrying about your child...what will be, will be. There IS value, however, in focusing your attention on the child's strengths and nurturing them to the best of your ability. Keep them uppermost in your mind at all times (even as you address his or her weaknesses to whatever extent you can), as this will encourage both YOU and the child.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/8/2018 11:34 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Hoping for change can sometimes backfire, leading to endless conflict and misery....
If you know your spouse isn't good at something - disciplining the kids, arriving on time, organizing papers or whatever - and you've known this for many years already, consider giving up the hope that he or she will ever develop this skill or talent (in the same way that YOU have had difficulty with certain tasks throughout your entire lifetime and probably will continue to be challenged in those areas). This isn't meant to be fatalistic - both your spouse and you might surprise everyone and suddenly develop a talent in a weak area. Meanwhile, however, you can refrain from the constant battle and the feeling of "surprise" regarding poor performance in certain areas. Just accept the weakness and graciously work around it as much as you can - and when you can't, quietly accept the level of performance as it is without further recriminations. In fact, continue to offer positive feedback, encouragement and compassion, as these strategies certainly help your relationship and might even help your partner's performance.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 2/7/2018 10:06 AM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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There is not a single spouse or child on earth who has no flaws...
We are all limited - great at some things, not so great at others. You hope that people will accept you despite your weak points. You hope that they will overlook your flaws. And in this hope you are totally correct; why should others focus their attention on what's WRONG with you when they can focus their attention on what's so right about you? Do this for your spouse and kids. Give them the gift and kindness of being seen through a positive lens. Let them know - through your daily speech - that you see what's RIGHT about them and accept - and even overlook - their constant small failings.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/6/2018 10:26 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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How can you get your child to remember to do his tasks?
When a child has a task to do (take out the garbage, do his homework, set the table or whatever, resist the urge to remind and prompt and remind and nag and remind and remind! Such behavior on your part only teaches the child that he doesn't need to make the effort to remember or schedule his tasks since YOU are clearly so willing to carry those burdens. In reality, the more you forget about your child's responsibilities, the more he'll remember them. (Obviously, if he has a deficit in this area due to some mental health condition, get him the remedial help he needs.) When he fails to remember, set up consequences that he'll have to deal with. Let the consequences help sharpen his memory.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 2/4/2018 10:00 AM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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When you just can't get your child to do what you want her to do.....
Sometimes, you can't get your child to do what you want her to do; you feel completely helpless. And then, you may erupt in rage, hoping that you will be able to "force" her to comply. But even if you succeed, you and she both feel the awfulness of your behavior and are harmed by it. For your own sake, and for the sake of your child, never allow yourself to behave in ways that make you feel bad afterward. It's better to remain helpless for a little while. You can use the time to seek some parenting advice from your spouse, a friend, a mentor or a book, and then you can come back to the situation to try to gain compliance in a different way. Remember: a little helplessness won't hurt you; a little rage, will.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 2/1/2018 10:17 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Children don't always feel that they can share their most difficult experiences....
We can never know what our children are thinking or what secrets they are keeping from us. All too often, children and teens are afraid to share experiences with their parents that they experience as shameful or overwhelming. In their attempt to cope on their own, they draw on woefully inadequate, and sometimes destructive, thoughts and behaviors. One thing that parents can do to help, is bring up difficult issues proactively. The library has a large collection of child-friendly books on all sorts of topics (bullying, abuse, addictions, self-harm, obsessions, divorce, depressed feelings, anxiety and so on) that can be read and discussed with youngsters. These books do NOT cause children to develop problems they don't have! They open discussion and provide badly needed education and prevention. Parents can also ensure that they are approachable by staying calm and relaxed when discussing these kind of topics, indicating by their tone and behavior that they accept, understand, and can help, with the hard side of life.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana


Posted 1/31/2018 10:29 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Birth order, genetics, the other parent, the school, the friends, your child's free will....where do YOU fit in?
Provide a healthy, happy model. Be kind and respectful. Teach your values and set appropriate limits. Then pray your heart out, because the way your child turns out is NOT solely up to you. What is UP to you, is what you do and say.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 1/29/2018 11:06 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Do you always know what to do in parenting? If so, you're the only one......
It's normal to feel confused in parenting. Should I let my child do this activity or not? Should I discipline him or ignore what he's doing? Should I change my mind or stay firm? Does it matter if I'm the only parent who insists on "xyz" or is it unfair to my child? At what age should a child be doing "abc?" The questions are endless, the uncertainty rampant. And how can it be otherwise? Raising a human being raises an infinity of unanswerable questions; the parent who is absolutely sure about everything he or she says and does is over-confident and under-humble. When you are feeling unsure, pat yourself on the back for having the wisdom and humility to recognize the enormity and impossibility of the task before you. You can never know for sure. You can simply try your best.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 1/29/2018 11:06 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Sometimes a loved one speaks angrily to you and it's so tempting to....
When a spouse or child says something angrily, it is tempting to respond by correcting his or her style: "Don't speak to me that way!" While it WILL be important to talk about HOW this person communicates to you, NOW is not the time. Obviously the person is upset. Learning centers in the brain take a back seat during these moments to emotional and survival centers. There's no point in trying to teach your lesson now. Instead, the task at hand is to help calm the person's emotional centers, to remove the sense of threat (unless you yourself are in danger, in which case, the task at hand is to remove yourself physically). Try to focus on WHAT the person is saying, rather than style. What is causing him or her to feel so upset?Keep in mind that hurt, insult, helplessness, and other emotions may be sitting under the frustration, anger and/or resentment. Listen for the feelings, more than the words. Acknowledge the person's feelings, without discussing whether they are valid or not. Wait till significant calmness has returned before discussing the actual issue (and its solutions and/or the way in which it was presented. Always seriously consider your own role in the upset; sometimes there is a valid point behind a loved one's strong accusations (and other times, not). Decide if there is something YOU need to do to help address the situation.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe,


Posted 1/25/2018 1:07 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)


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Why do loved ones make careless errors and other mistakes?
When a spouse or child has done something wrong, don't ask him or her why he or she did it. You don't want to force loved ones to admit that they were careless, stupid, neglectful or otherwise deficient! People do things wrong because they are human! If you're human, you also do things wrong! Simply get onto the important part: tell the person what you need him or her to know for the future. "Please be more careful next time."
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com

Copyright © 2018 Sarah Chana Radcliffe


Posted 1/25/2018 1:04 PM | Tell a Friend | Parenting | Comments (0)



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