When a spouse or child says something angrily, it is tempting to respond by correcting his or her style: "Don't speak to me that way!" While it WILL be important to talk about HOW this person communicates to you, NOW is not the time. Obviously the person is upset. Learning centers in the brain take a back seat during these moments to emotional and survival centers. There's no point in trying to teach your lesson now. Instead, the task at hand is to help calm the person's emotional centers, to remove the sense of threat (unless you yourself are in danger, in which case, the task at hand is to remove yourself physically). Try to focus on WHAT the person is saying, rather than style. What is causing him or her to feel so upset?Keep in mind that hurt, insult, helplessness, and other emotions may be sitting under the frustration, anger and/or resentment. Listen for the feelings, more than the words. Acknowledge the person's feelings, without discussing whether they are valid or not. Wait till significant calmness has returned before discussing the actual issue (and its solutions and/or the way in which it was presented. Always seriously consider your own role in the upset; sometimes there is a valid point behind a loved one's strong accusations (and other times, not). Decide if there is something YOU need to do to help address the situation.
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