Defensiveness isn't the most pleasant thing to deal with - in oneself or in another person. Help reduce defensiveness in your children by remaining calm and pleasant when they make mistakes and do things wrong. After all, everyone messes up. When your child forgets or neglects to do something, or does it the wrong way, or doesn't listen or otherwise acts like a regular human youngster, smile. Smile the smile of recognition, as in "Ah yes, I've done that myself so many times!" Smile the smile of acceptance, as in "It's a normal error; it doesn't mean anything terrible or catastrophic." Smile the smile of patient understanding, as in, "Okay. So how can we help you be more successful next time?" And finally, smile the smile of love, as in "Doing something wrong doesn't change how great I think you are and how much I love you."
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You cannot actually MAKE your child do anything. She has to want to cooperate. The most you can do is inspire her to choose to follow your directions and directives. You can do this by being the kind of person she WANTS to be guided by. In general, the more a child likes a parent (or teacher), the more the child submits to that person's authority and guidance. In fact, the more she likes the parent (or teacher), the more she wants to BE like that person - she actually WANTS to copy and learn from the adults she cares about. To get your child to like you, simply do what you do to get other people to like you - be likable! Ask yourself if - in general - your words, actions and body language are likable during the periods you are engaging with your child.
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Don't wake up your older child or teen. Just say "good morning," and then move on. Why ruin your morning and your child's with repeated calls to wake-up, followed by a series of increasingly agitated threats and remarks. Instead, don't get involved. Just go pleasantly about your morning, doing what you need to do. If your child is late for carpool or school, don't write "late notes," and don't rescue him. Allow the school to give consequences and if they don't, arrange your own. Be consistent and keep it cool and business-like, showing little interest in the whole affair. This approach teaches your child that waking up is his own responsibility and not yours. His spouse will thank you one day.
Home, contrary to public opinion, is not where you can be yourself - unless, of course, your "self" is utterly delightful. If it isn't, then home is a place where you can pretend to be what you wish you really were - patient, loving, sensitive, understanding, respectful and so on. "Fake it, till you make it" is a perfectly fine strategy; act AS IF you are delightful. Practice every evening - when the kids walk in the door, when it's homework time, at the dinner table, during the bedtime routine and right up until the time you tuck yourself in bed. As with anything, practice makes perfect - keep it up and you'll find one day that "delightful" is the new you!
It's hard to do anything well when you're exhausted - including parenting. If you're having trouble getting all the sleep you need, and your schedule doesn't permit a daily nap, don't rely on coffee and sugar snacks to give you energy. Instead, every once in awhile, just close your eyes for 30 to 60 seconds and pay attention to the air going in and out as you breathe. Optional: Count silently and slowly - In, two, three, four, Out, two, three, four. This little focused breath will help restore your energy and boost your mood, working more and more powerfully the more you use it.
When you feel like you're going to snap, pay attention to that feeling. It is your inner call for help. Something inside is agitated, overwhelmed, at its very limit. Please go take care of it, because it needs you. Tune in and listen to what it has to say. Is it feeling burdened, uncared for, invisible, alone or something else? Acknowledge its feelings and find a way to help. Instead of "snapping" and hurting those you love, love the one who's hurting - that's YOU. Give yourself a bit of time and space to heal before you carry on. It will be much better for all of you.
Fond childhood memories are made with laughter and love. They can happen on vacations and at the breakfast table, on celebratory occasions and during night-time tuck-ins. In fact, they can happen anytime and anywhere. When, over the decades of child rearing, you are more light-hearted and open-hearted than you are strict and business-like, you will be able to give your children the fondest memory of all: the memory of YOU.
When you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed and/or stressed, you will have more trouble being your usual charming self. During these times try to get more help and/or remove tasks from your to-do list. But if you can't do much to change the situation, at least be understanding of your struggle. Do your best not to hurt your loved ones (and yourself in the process) but if you slip up - which we all do on occasion - quickly apologize, repair the damage and move forward. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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Anger is a feeling - not a discipline tool. First settle your feeling, and THEN, come back to educate your child. Use any educational tool that may be appropriate including teaching, explaining, demonstrating, illustrating, role-playing, applying negative consequences and/or creating rules. As our sages say, "The words of the wise are heard when calmly spoken." The only thing you teach when you yell, is how to yell.
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Children have a different view - they see you as you affect THEM. It's hard for them to see you as a full human being, a busy person with many different responsibilities and a person in your own right with your own human needs. This difference in perspective can result in common complaints: "You never listen to me," "You're never home," "You are always on the phone," and so on. Of course your attention is not 100% on this one child! But how should you answer the complaint? Instead of explaining that you have lots to do (which is not going to be good news from the complainer's point of view), try acknowledging her frustration BEFORE correcting her disrespectful attack (see "The Relationship Rule" in my book "Raise Your kids without Raising Your Voice" for how to actually do the correcting part..it's essential to teach children the respectful way to express their feelings to a parent.). Preface your correction with ACKNOWLEDGMENT: "I'm sorry I had to keep you waiting Sweetie. I know you wanted me right away and it's annoying to have to wait." Once she feels cared for and understood, she'll be more open to the guidance that follows.
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When you argue with your child, you teach your child to argue with YOU. Never say anything more than twice.
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Your face is your child's mirror - when he looks into it he sees himself, reflected through your smile or your frown. Is your child usually looking into friendly, approving eyes? If he finds it hard to win your smile, what will he eventually conclude about himself - and how will that conclusion shape the person he will become?
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Your marital behavior is your child's model for how to live with a partner: how to show love, how to handle disagreements, how to co-parent, how to make relationship repairs, how to deal with in-laws, how to handle frustration, disappointment and hurt, how to communicate effectively - and so much more. Are you showing your child what you want him or her to know about all this?
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When you're not sure what to do in a particular parenting moment, don't do anything. You can say something like, "I am going to think about this and get back to you." Then you can consult your books, your spouse and/or your advisers, or you can just take some time to actually think about it. There are very few true emergencies that require an immediate response. A good response is better than a fast one.
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In the morning, while still lying in bed, imagine yourself handling a challenging family issue (i.e. a repetitive difficulty with spouse or child) in the exact way you WANT to. Watch it like a movie, allowing it to replay several times. When the issue arises in the course of the day, follow your script. Then help wire the new behavioral circuit into your brain by giving yourself a powerful reward for a job well-done (your choice!). Repeat tomorrow.
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Help your child become more emotionally intelligent - it will benefit her socially, emotionally, intellectually and even physically. All you have to do is name her feelings. For instance, when she complains about some household rule, you can begin your response by saying, "I understand you don't like it" or "I know it's frustrating." When she says she doesn't like to sleep in a dark room, begin by, "I hear that you're not comfortable." When she shrieks that a sibling is bothering her, you can begin, "I see you're unhappy." Of course, you will go on to say whatever you would normally say in all of these scenarios. However, beginning by naming the child's feeling helps her to identify and understand her own inner world - and this is the KEY to developing emotional intelligence.
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You can't make everyone happy all the time. If you stay fairly calm, you're doing amazingly well. If you are radiating a positive mood (at the dinner table, as you go about your tasks, as you wake people up and put them to sleep, etc.), consider yourself a parenting champion! After all, your personal positivity is, in the end, what will REALLY make them happy.
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The easiest way to gain the cooperation of your child is to laugh with him. In fact, the more you laugh with your child, the more readily he will follow your instructions, heed your warnings and submit to your guidance. The more you laugh with him, the closer he feels to you and the closer he feels to you, the more he listens. So forget the nagging, lecturing, disciplining, preaching and teaching and instead, find something to laugh about several times a day. The funniest thing of all is how quickly this strategy can turn things around!
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Kids learn a lot about how they should feel about things from living with and watching YOU. For instance, if you are generally critical of other people - pointing out what's wrong with how they dress or walk or talk or behave - your kids will learn to focus on flaws as well. On the other hand, if you are a people-lover - always talking about the special and positive traits of those you encounter in your daily life - your children will learn to look for the good as well. If you want to increase your child's happiness, you can take note of what you are teaching by your living example. Is yours a problem-filled world with stress, worries and troubles always on the tip of your tongue? Then this will be the world you pass down to your youngster. Or is your world a happy place filled with joy, gratitude, love and purpose? Is it the kind of place you'd be happy to give your children? Remember, "our location is not where our body resides, but where our thoughts and feelings are" - where are you? Where will your child be?
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As the sages say, "the words of the wise are heard when softly spoken." Speak loud enough to be heard, but not so loud that your child can't hear what you're trying to say.
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