- Q. Moreinu Horav Bartfeld Shlit”a . I’m a recently married young woman and being a Bais Yaakov disciple, I have always wondered since our understanding of Kedusha and marriage is based on total oneness and total exclusivity of the husband and his wife.
We see from the very beginning of Creation that the description which we read about marriage has that at its core: Adam & Chava, and it is so related to the oneness of our relationship with Hashem and His exclusively choosing Klal Yisroel etc.. Obviously our own personal Shalom Bayis is not possible to even compare to the Avos, to say the least, but our entire emotional experience of marriage definitely resonates with that principle and cannot grasp Shalom Bayis without exclusivity.
When we read the Parshiot of Vayetze and the story of Yaakov Avinu and his women companions, is there a way that we can appreciate how this reality can be understood by women or at least not be uncomfortable with it?
As a follow up to that, is there a mehalach (way) to talk to children about it as they get older and understand how different this is from our reality?
A. Definitely an important question. A most common belief in our days is that Ahava is the purpose of marriage. This concept will enable us to understand how great people were able to have two wives.
Once a person has come to true Ahava with one’s wife, then this Midda or quality can be spread to Ahavas Habriyos (love of others) and then one can come to Ahavas HaShem and develop a true relationship with HaShem. What the world calls "love" is in fact self-love. When you say "I love fish," you are in fact saying "I love myself by eating fish."
The true definition of "Ahava" is the capability of feeling the other person. So a true relationship will be one in which "I feel that you feel what I feel". When a woman wants the love of her husband, in essence she wants her husband to feel that which she feels. The Sefer Ha’Ikrim explains this concept in definition of the mitzva of V’ohavta L'reiacho K'mocha, the mitzva is to be unified to the extent that one can feel the other person.
When we talk about the unification of marriage, what we are really meant to develop is a relationship in which the couple can feel each other. The Reshis Chochmo (Shar Ahava) explains that although one is meant to come to a unity of Ahava in marriage, the main focus in life has to be to come to Ahavas Hashem and come to a personal relationship with HaShem, which means that one can feel what HaShem wants from us.
Just because a person has Ahava for his wife, doesn't mean he cannot have Ahavas Habryos as well and also Ahavas Hashem. These relationships do not contradict one another. When a mother has true feelings for her children, the feelings she has for one, should not in any way take away from the feelings for a different child.
Similarly, in theory, if we were able to create the ultimate spouse relationship of truly feeling a spouse, the capability of feeling for one’s wife would not be reduced by feeling for another wife. The problem of course is, that our midda of Ahava is quite shallow and it is enough of a challenge for us to feel for one wife.
Rabbi A. Bartfeld as revised by, Horav Yaakov Hirschman, Horav Dovid Pam, Horav Aharon Miller, Horav Chanoch Ehrentreu and Horav Kalman Ochs Shlit’a.
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