Q. There is a idea in chazal "soney matanos yichey." What exactly do chazal mean that one should avoid receiving presents. Should one not not want birthday presents, or if one gives someone a present as hakaras hatov for something you did for them, should one reject it? Also, a chosson or kallah who recieve presents from their new mishpacha (chosson watch....) is that not a good minhag? Thank you!
A. There are a number of reasons why our Sages thought that the one who hates gifts shall live (Mishlei 15: 27. See Talmud Megila 28a, Sota 47a , Kidushin 59a, Baba Basra 13b, Chulin 44b).
Both Rambam (Zechia Umatana 12: 17) and Shulchan Aruch (C.M. 249: 5) opine that refusing presents demonstrates bitachon and trust in Hashem's chesed and not in men.
Rashi comments on the verse in Mishlei, that “if he hates gifts, all the more so will he hate theft.” Rabbenu Yonah (Mishlei 16:27) writes similarly that “this disposition is a fence to distance coveting, and saves one from the pitfalls of flattery.”
Iyun Yaakov (Chulin ibid.) maintains that by not accepting gifts, one demonstrates concern for someone else’s assets. And since it says the one who shows compassion on others, heaven will have compassion on him, he thus increases his days. If he dedicates his time to Torah learning, he also reveals that his learning is done “lishma,” and not for ulterior reasons.
S’ma (Choshen Mishpat 249: 4) averts that receiving a gift will stop the receiver from rebuking and reprimanding the giver when he is doing wrong.
The Talmud (Berachos 10b) teaches: “One who wishes to derive benefit should do so like Elisha; one who wishes to refrain from deriving benefit should refrain as Shmuel.” Commenting on the first half of the Talmudic teaching, Rashi explains that there is no prohibition in receiving gifts: “One who wishes to derive benefit from others should do so, and there is no prohibition in this matter.” (However, Maharsha interprets that even somebody who wishes to derive benefit from others, should only do so as Elisha, who only derived benefit as a guest while journeying).
Horav Shlomo Miller's Shlit'a opinion is that often declining a gift when it is customary to accept, as in the cases you describe could be very insulting. Common sense should guide one's refusal or acceptance. When in doubt you should consult with a competent spiritual guide.
Rabbi A. Bartfeld as revised by Horav Shlomo Miller's Shlit”a
Important Numbers
