I have had the honor of conversing with spouses, parents, friends, those still struggling with addictions and those successfully living a life of sobriety in my private practice and at JACS for many years. We have shared our stories of success and mistakes, becoming both students and teachers.
In groups I often refrain from giving direct advice or instructions unless I know the person well, as each circumstance requires detailed knowledge. The knowledge of some medical or psychological issue might make a difference between taking one direction or another. Still, there are some principles that are extremely useful to the co-dependent once a plan of action is in place.
The following is a compilation that I have put together based upon my conversations in JACS support groups, private sessions, reading and in formal study of those principles.
Blessings,
Written By David Kaufman
Director of Outreach and Education at JACS
Narrative and Solution Focused Therapist
Cert. Addiction and Addiction Studies
CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) Candidate
We have discovered as parents, spouses and friends that the worst way to help the struggling addict is to:
1. Feel guilty and blame yourself as being the cause of their addiction and bad choices.
2. Feel guilty and accept blame when they blame you for their addiction and bad choices.
3. Believe love conquers all - they’ll change if you love them enough or they love you enough.
4. Attach your sense of self, success in life and daily mood to how “your addict” is acting that day.
5. Have yet another conversation or fight hoping you’ll be able to change them.
6. Obey their commands, tantrums and threats.
7. Live in fear of upsetting the addict because it will make them use.
8. Be held hostage to their tantrums, threats and fear of exposure.
9. Accept or excuse verbal and physical abuse (or threat thereof) upon yourself or those who are dependent upon you such as siblings, those being bullied, and the elderly.
10. Threaten to leave the addict – but don’t. Isolate and refuse social invitations out of fear or anxiety.
11. Pay their debts and sign for their loans (and co-sign their reasons for why they can’t get a job).
12. Worry about what others will say if they find out about your struggles, and remain isolated.
13. Allow yourself to be manipulated again and again…and again.
14. Hope against all logic and experience that this time they will be different and change.
15. Exaggerate small signs of change and health and treat them as if they have turned over a new leaf.
16. If they want something, indulge them, hoping you can buy their love and recovery.
17. Make sure they know you will always be there to get them out of trouble.
18. If they get in legal difficulties get them legal advice, a lawyer, set bail and so on.
19. If they lose, damage or destroy something from clothing to a car, repair or replace it for them.
20. If they get fired from a job help them find another or cover the loss of income until they do.
21. Give them an allowance or money because they need it for the bus, phone, entertainment and food.
22. Overlook, defend, or rescue them from the consequences of their negative behavior.
23. Accept their excuses and rescue them from their problems.
24. Blame others for their behavior by saying things such as, "My child would never do that!", "It can't be his/her fault; it must be the teacher's fault!", or "The other children made him do it."
25. Disregard your moral principles in defense of your addict.
26. Let your other relationships suffer terribly and even fall apart in an attempt to change the addict.
27. Allow the addict to successfully triangulate/create conflict between family, friends and therapist in order to avoid changing him or herself; e.g., “You understand my problems, but Mom is so tough…”
28. After you set firm boundaries and your addict tests them over and over again – eventually give in.
29. When the addict looks beaten by the consequences of the addiction, as if they might be ready to change, don’t ask for advice, but immediately rush to their rescue. Re-live numbers 1 through 30.
30. Get so involved in trying to fix the addict that you forget who you are.
31. Wait until you hit rock bottom and are forced to change.
32. Go to a support group and hear stories and advice from others who struggle like you do and realize you are not alone, but remain living in the same manner by complaining about the addict and repeat #1 through #30. Or educate and change your life by getting professional, educated guidance, attending support groups and individual therapy if needed because a desire without a plan is just a wish.
Important Numbers
