When a very young child says, "I hate my life; I want to kill myself," parents naturally become alarmed. They are shocked that a small child is expressing such deep emotional pain. They also wonder whether the child is actually capable of hurting himself. They are scared as to what it all means and what they ought to be doing about it. Interestingly, these kinds of sentiments are not rare among children. Like adults, kids feel intense despair, frustration, helplessness, alienation, sadness and other painful emotions. However, unlike adults, they usually have a surprisingly small vocabulary with which to express their feelings. "I hate my life" is employed to cover a huge array of unhappy feelings and may refer to a particular disappointment or bad experience, or to a number of setbacks recently suffered. "I want to kill myself" almost always means "I don't know what to do about it but I want this pain to stop." Parents can help by validating painful feelings. Instead of saying something like "DON'T EVER TALK LIKE THAT!" they can welcome and encourage the expression of all feelings by using Emotional Coaching. "You sound really unhappy. What's going on?" When the child describes some of the events that triggered his statement, parents can reflect back SHADES of emotion, helping to build a far better "feeling vocabulary." "I see. That sounds so discouraging. You must have felt so helpless." (See the appendix in my book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" for a full list of 'feeling words.'). There is no need for the child to be "happy" after the parent names feelings; showing that negative feelings can be accepted and tolerated is extremely therapeutic. After naming feelings, parents can help with problem-solving. If the child continues to express self-hatred or despair despite consistent parental support, parents should seek professional guidance for further interventions.
Friends & Family can sign up at www.dailyparentingposts.com
Important Numbers
