Is it necessary for one to know what he's looking for when he's looking for a shidduch, or should he just wait till the right one comes along?
He has to do both things. If you don't know what you're looking for, it's like going into a store with a pocket full of money and the storekeeper says what do you want? And you say I don't know. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to offer you all kinds of merchandise: tall, little, thick and thin, all kinds – blondes and brunettes. You have to know what you want, that's number one. You have to make up your mind, what do you want? You're looking for a frum girl, or you want a flapper type (unconventional style and behavior). Do you want a siren type, (dangerously beautiful)? Or do you want an idealist?
So you say, I want all the things, she should be a siren, and an idealist. But you have to know that to be a siren, it doesn't happen by itself. You have to sit in front of the mirror for a lot of hours to be a siren; boys don't know that, they think a siren is born that way. If a girl doesn't work on the job of looking appealing, looking attractive, she won't; it takes a lot of time. And to do both things is pretty difficult, so you have to make up your mind. It could be that Hakadosh Baruch Hu could send somebody who looks to you like a siren who happens to be a big idealist, because He wants you to take that one, so now your second point comes up. So Hakadosh Baruch Hu, when He sees that your mind is made up on the right girl, so He sends a girl to you.
In the eyes of others she looks pretty ordinary, but in your eyes she has seven graces, she's so beautiful that it clicks immediately. But you have to know that this is a reward for people who are deserving of it, otherwise you'll keep on looking and it vetzach nit clicking, it won't click. I met an old boy once, he was a Rabbi in the town next to me, and he hadn't been married for years and years. I met him on Pitkin Ave he was now sixty, I said, what's the matter? He says, I have a feeling that when the right one comes along, there will be a click, uber it is nuch nit g'clicked. Well, he died a bachelor.
So you have to make up your mind what you want, then Hakadosh Baruch Hu might make it click, too.
Good Shabbos To All
This is transcribed from questions that were posed to Harav Miller by the audience at the Thursday night lectures. To listen to the audio of this Q & A please dial: 201-676-3210