Q. Dear Rabbi,
I joined this frum 12- step program for people who are compulsive eaters, which has become popular here in the New York area. Every day one has to commit their food for the following day to a sponsor, and strictly adhere to the food guidelines. Honesty is the core of the program. I have messed up in the past, and have been told by my sponsor that I am causing her harm and upset by these lapses. I have been on target for a while, but unfortunately have once again slipped. Am I obligated to tell her of this slip, which will cause her upset and anguish? Also, she has threatened to drop me if I slip and I desperately need her help because of the serious health issues I suffer from when I am not on the program. Also since I didn’t say beli neder do I have to be matir neder? I would like to hear Harav Shlomo Millers’s opinion on this matter. Thank you.
A. Horav Shlomo Miller’s Shlit’a opinion is that the correct approach is to tell the truth, even if that may pain your sponsor and cease the support given. Chances are that they are well trained to do the task and they have encountered similar situations often. Their toughness is only on the onset to bring results and not to drop the people they are trying to help.
The Rov also maintains that after the fact, even if you didn’t say beli neder you can rely on the Kol Nidrei declaration and you don’t have to be matir neder, if you never had intention of taking an oath.
Rabbi A. Bartfeld as revised by Horav Shlomo Miller Shlit’a
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