ANSWER:
That's a very good and important question. Now, some of the things cannot be said in public, but whatever it is, it's important to keep that in mind; it is possible to do. It's certainly possible to do. And that's one of the functions of chochmas noshim bonsa beisa, a wise woman can build up her house. Included in her house is the attitude of romance, absolutely.
You know, some girls or many girls rather, are just like boys, they have no sense.Soon after marriage they're careless. Before they were tense, they were on their best behavior, and soon after marriage they relax and they begin behaving naturally to their choson. They show impatience, anger, they're careless of his honor, and some of them take a good husband, a potentially good husband and they quickly spoil him at the beginning of their marriage career. It happens again and again, a good husband is spoiled by a silly girl.
If she would be careful for the first… sixty years with him and watch her step, she could preserve him as a choson forever; it's possible to do. So you may say well, it's too much exertion. Look, anybody that wants to succeed cannot be natural. You can never be natural of your husband. There are certain things I will tell a woman in private what to do; don't be natural. He has to think always that you're supernatural, and you can keep him in that attitude.
When he married you he thought you were something special, he didn't think you were an ordinary person like his sister, his sister he knows is a nobody. But you have him in a dream world, he's in the clouds when he marries you. You can keep him in the clouds. But if suddenly you yank him down to reality and he sees you're somebody's sister, it's her fault.
I claim a girl should be taught the art of marriage. It's a great pity; there are a lot of nice young men who are spoiled as husbands. Even if they managed to live out the rest of their hundred and 20 years with their wives, but they have no longer continued the career that they envisioned in the beginning, and it's not necessary. It's possible to live a life of romance, but it needs the tactfulness and diplomacy of a wife.
Now you may say what about the diplomacy of a husband? It needs the husband's participation too, but you have to know that all this is mostly, it's 95%, a woman's business. Just like before a marriage the bachurdoesn't perfume himself, at least most of them don't, he doesn't spend hours making curls in his hair before marriage, it's a girl that's doing that, so you see that's her job.
So her job is that after marriage to do certain things to maintain the illusion; it's possible to be done.
Good Shabbos To All
This is transcribed from questions that were posed to Harav Miller by the audience at the Thursday night lectures. To listen to the audio of this Q & A please dial: 201-676-3210
Important Numbers
