Erev Rosh Hashanah: Reprinted from Westmount Shul. Rabbi Michalowicz
1. It is customary [but not mandatory] to fast until Halachik mid-day. [1:10 PM]
2. Additional Selichos are said in the morning.
3. No Tachanun is said during the morning service.
4. We do not blow the Shofar after the morning service.
5. One should nullify his / her vows before 3 people in a language that you understand. See Artscroll
Siddur pg. 762. This procedure only helps for vows and good deeds that one may have been committed
to do, that one does not remember having made.
6. Women can appoint their husbands as their agents to nullify their vows for them. Other women rely on
the Kol Nidrei ceremony to nullify their vows.
7. It is customary to visit the cemetery.
8. One should spend time doing Teshuvah, giving charity, learning, and asking forgiveness from other
people. Before Rosh Hashanah actually begins, one should resolve to strive to focus on improving a
specific area on conduct during the New Year.
9. One should be well groomed in honor of the Yom Tov.
10. One should preferably take a shave and haircut before Halachik Mid- day. [1:10 PM]
11. Men should immerse in the Mikveh no earlier than one hour before Halachik Mid-day. [12:10 PM]
12. One should familiarize oneself with the Machzor.
13. One should wear festive clothing, but in moderation. Save new clothing for the Shehechiyanu blessing
on the second night of Yom Tov.
14. It is customary to bake or purchase Challah in the form of a circle, ladder, or bird.
15. One should be careful not to display anger or even become angry during these special days.
16. Remember that on Rosh Hashanah one is permitted to cook or bake from a pre-existing fire. You need
not have all your food cooked before Yom Tov. [Which is generally required to be done for Shabbos.]
Consult with your Rabbi to learn more of the Halachik details involved.
17. It is preferable and practical to light a 24 hour Yartzeit candle before Yom Tov, so that you will have a
pre-existing flame to use throughout the first day of Yom Tov. This flame will be the one that you can
light candles from on the second night of Rosh Hashanah. Since the second day of Yom Tov is followed
by Shabbos, which also requires candle lighting, it is advisable to light a 48 hour Yahrzeit candle
tonight. Alternatively, you can light a new 24 hour Yahrzeit candle on Thursday night from a preexisting
flame.
18. Remember to make an Eruv Tavshilin before Yom Tov in order to be able to cook on Yom Tov for the
Shabbos which immediately follows Yom Tov this year. See Artscroll Siddur pg. 654. (you must use
foods (one baked & one cooked) that one usually eats as part of bread meal, such as fish, meat, and
eggs. A dessert may not be used.) Most people use a challah or matzah and an egg.
19. If you do not plan on cooking any meals for Shabbos (i.e. you are eating out for all your Shabbos
meals), you still are required to make an Eruv Tavshilin in order to light candles in your home. In
such a situation, the Eruv Tavshilin should be made without reciting a blessing.
First Evening of Rosh Hashanah:
1. Women light candles either at the regular time of candle lighting [7:00 PM] or from a pre-existing flame
when the men come home from Shul and are ready to eat. They make 2 blessings: One for the Mitzvah
of lighting the Yom Tov candles and the other “Shehechiyanu” blessing. [If a woman forgets to light
candles at these two times, she may light them from a pre-existing flame the entire evening.]
2. Men should daven Mincha with a Minyan and everyone should say Mincha with extra concentration, as
it is the final prayer of the year 5777.
3. The earliest time to either light candles or make Kiddush is after 6:01 PM.
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4. 4 insertions are made in the Maariv Amida [and for all Amidahs through Yom Kippur], which are found
in the Artscroll Machzor on pages 62, 64, 66, and 72. One need not repeat the Amida if one forgot to say
any or all of the insertions.
5. We change the ending of the third blessing from “Ha-el Hakadosh” to “Hamelech Hakadosh” One must
repeat the Amida if one forgot to say “Hamelech Hakadosh.”
6. Special greetings are given to friends and family members after Maariv and before Kiddush. “May you
be inscribed and sealed for a good year [immediately, for a good life and for peace].” See Artscroll
Machzor pg. 90 for the Hebrew text. This greeting should only be said on the first night. Greetings
for the remainder of Rosh Hashanah should be limited to “Shana Tova”, “Happy New Year”, “Chag
Samayach”, or “Good Yom Tov.”
7. After making the special Yom Tov Kiddush and washing our hands, we make a Brocha over two
Challahs, and cut the top Challah.
8. Challah is dipped in honey [some have the custom to dip the Challah into salt as well].
9. Symbolic foods are eaten at the evening meal. See Artscroll Machzor pg. 96-98. The first symbolic fruit
to be eaten should be the date. You should make the blessing “Borei Pri Ha’etz” on that fruit, keeping in
mind the other fruits you will be eating on this night. Eat a little of it, followed by the special “Yehi
Ratzon” prayer, and then finish the date. If dates are not eaten, then the pomegranate should be eaten
before the apples. There are no other blessings made on the symbolic foods. One does say the special
“Yehi Ratzon” prayer before eating each of the symbolic foods.
10. It is optimal to eat symbolic foods, that normally would require the blessing of “Borei pro Ho’adama,
during the course of your meal, to avoid the doubtful necessity of making that blessing during the meal.
11. If one is not able to eat any of the symbolic foods, one may look at them and say the special “Yehi
Ratzon” prayer.
12. Some have a custom to avoid eating sour or bitter foods and nuts.
13. One should not say the blessing of Borei Pei Ha’etz on fruits that one eats for dessert if one had dessert
in mind when one made the blessing on the symbolic fruits at the beginning of the meal.
14. Remember to make the proper insertion of Ya’aleh Veyavo” during the Birchas Hamazon.
15. It is a custom to learn one Chapter of Mishnayos from Tractate Rosh Hashanah after each of the Yom
Tov meals.
First Day of Rosh Hashanah:
1. Men should come on time to Shul and say the Amidah with a Minyan.
2. The Shema should be recited before 10:07 AM.
3. Although there is no obligation to stand when the Aron Hakodesh is opened during the prayers, there is a
Mitzvah to stand if one has the strength to do so.
4. One should optimally listen to each sound of 100 blasts of the Shofar on both days of Rosh Hashanah.
30 are blown before Mussaf. 30 are blown during the repetition. 40 are blown at the end of the service.
5. Men are obligated to hear the Shofar. Women are technically exempt from hearing the Shofar; however,
it has become customary for women to hear at least 30 blasts of the Shofar. If possible, they should hear
both the 30 blasts before Musaf and the 30 blasts during the repetition of the Amida.
6. If you are not able to go to Shul, you should hear a minimum of 30 blasts blown privately for you. The
listener should preferably make the blessings on the Shofar.
7. Children, who are old enough to silently listen to the Shofar, should be encouraged to do so. Little
children, who will disturb the service, may not be brought to Shofar blowing.
8. It is forbidden to talk while the Shofar is being blown. One should not speak from the time that the
blessings on the Shofar are made until after hearing the 100th and final note. Only under extenuating
circumstances may one talk after hearing the first 30 blasts. Women may be more lenient in this matter
after hearing 30 blasts.
9. During the Musaf Amida, one should bow when they say “Modim” in the “Aleinu" prayer.
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10. If one chooses to kneel on the floor during Aleinu of the reposition of the Musaf Amida, one should put
some material between their face and the floor.
Afternoon:
1. One should leave Shul feeling relaxed and confident that Hashem has accepted his prayers with mercy.
2. One is obligated to eat Challah and have a festive meal on both days of Rosh Hashanah.
3. One should not sleep in the afternoon. [One may be lenient on the second day.] A person who is very
tired should sleep a little rather than sit around idely and waste time.
4. It is not the custom to visit friends in the afternoon.
5. Any free time in the afternoon should be spent learning Torah, saying Tehillim, doing Teshuva or doing
acts of kindness. It is not a time for idle chatter.
6. After Mincha, it is customary to go to Tashlich.
7. If you don’t think you will have enough time to say Tashlich after Mincha, you can say it before Mincha.
8. The custom is to recite Tashlich preferably at a body of running water [i.e. a river or stream] where fish
are found. If that is not possible, one can say it by any body of water – even a well.
9. When reciting the word “Vesashlich”, it is customary to shake out the corners or pockets of your outer
garments, which are empty.
10. It is forbidden to throw any crumbs of food into the water. [or to feed the ducks]
11. Tashlich was not designed to be a venue for socializing. [One is permitted to invite guests for meals
and should make an effort to keep the discussions focused on the theme and spirit of Rosh Hashanah.]
Second Evening of Rosh Hashanah:
1. One should pray the evening service after Tashlich. It is preferable to say Maariv after the stars come
out, or at least after sunset.
2. One may not make any Yom Tov preparations for the second night, light candles, or make Kiddush until
after 7:59 PM. (with the exception of taking food out of the freezer.)
3. There are lenient opinions who permit asking a non-Jew to make preparations for the second night, that
do not involve actual work ( e.g. setting the table ) that can be relied on, especially when necessary.
4. If the first day of Rosh Hashanah is not a Shabbos, there is no need for women to say “Baruch Hamavdil
Ben Kodesh Lekodesh” before making preparations for the second night.
5. Candle lighting and Kiddush are done in the same way as on the first night.
6. One should wear a new garment for candle lighting / kiddush at the second evening meal. Have this in
mind when making the “Shehechiyanu” blessing.
7. It is questionable as to whether one can make a “Shehechiyanu” blessing on any fruits. The only fruit
that one, who lives in Toronto, can definitely say the “Shehechiyanu” blessing is on pumpkins and
Ontario concord grapes.
8. If you do have such fruit, it should optimally be eaten immediately after Kiddush.
9. No one else besides the one who lights candles and / or makes kiddush says the “Shehechiyanu”
blessing.
10. Some people have the custom to eat the symbolic foods and recite the special prayers at this meal as
well.
Second day of Rosh Hashanah:
1. The procedures for this day are the same as the first day. The exception being that we do not go to
Tashlich again. If it rained on the first day or you were not able to go to Tashlich [or the first day was
Shabbos], you should do so on the second day. [If one does not have the opportunity to go to Tashlich on
both days of Yom Tov, you are permitted to do it until the seventh day of Succos – Hoshana Rabbah.]
2. If you have made an Eruv Tavshilin on Wednesday, you may make Shabbos preparations on Friday.
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3. Since Rosh Hashanah ends on Friday afternoon, we do not make Havdalah. We welcome the Shabbos no
earlier than 5:58 P.M. Candle lighting and Kiddush for Shabbos can begin after this time. The latest time
for candle lighting is 6:56 P.M.
4. During the Prayer of “Magen Avos” we substitute with the words “Hamelech Hakadosh.”
Rosh Hashanah: Yehi Ratzon – Symbolic Foods Text and Instructions
All of the Yehi Ratzons start out the same way:
"Yehi Ratzon Mil’fa’necha, Ad-noi El-heinu Vei’l-hai Avosainu..."
(The "-" represents the letter "o," which was purposely left out so as not to write out the name of G-d.)
"May it be your will, Hashem our G-d and the G-d of our forefathers..."
Listed below are the various foods and the endings, which are appropriate to them:
For dates: "...She’yitamu son’ainu." "...that our enemies be consumed."
For pomegranate: "...she’nirbeh ze’chu’yos k’rimon"
"...that our merits increase like (the seeds of) a pomegranate."
For the apple in the honey: "...she’tichadesh aleinu shana tova u’m’tuka."
"...that you renew us for a good and sweet year."
For fenugreek (or carrots - as the Yiddish word for carrots - Mehren - can also mean "to increase," this Yehi
Ratzon is appropriate as well):
"...She’yir’bu ze’chuyo’sainu." "...that our merits increase."
For leek or cabbage: "...She’yikar’su son’ainu." "...that our enemies be decimated."
For beets: "...She’yistalku oy’vainu." "...that our adversaries be removed."
For gourd: "...She’yikora g’zar de’nainu v’yikaru l’fanecha zechu’yosainu."
"...that the decree of our sentence be torn up and may our merits be proclaimed before you."
For fish: "...She’nif’reh v’nir’beh ki’dagim." "...that we be fruitful and multiply like fish."
For the head of a fish or sheep: "...She’ni’hiyeh l’rosh v’lo l’zanav."
"...that we be as the head and not as the tail."
All of these Yehi Ratzons are said on the first night of Rosh Hashanah, after Kiddush has been made, after the
blessing over the Challos (breads) has been made and the bread has been eaten. (There are those who have the
custom to eat these foods and recite the Yehi Ratzon on the second night as well.) After the bread has been
eaten, one should take the date, make the blessing that one would normally make on fruit [“Borei Pri Ha’etz’],
and then take a bite of the date. Before one has eaten the whole date, one should recite the Yehi Ratzon. After
the date, one can then have all, none, or some of the other foods.
When something scary or upsetting has happened and your child either witnessed it or knows about it, it's important to intervene. Don't wait for the child to come to you and don't assume that if she doesn't come, that she's okay. Instead, assume that if she's been exposed to something scary or upsetting, she is scared or upset! Show her that you are there for her at such times - there to turn to, there for support. "That was really scary/upsetting, wasn't it?" can be your opening remark. Whether she talks about it or not, you can talk about the way one normally feels in such situations. "No one feels comfortable when that happens. It can be confusing and disturbing." By naming common emotional reactions, you are helping to normalize and validate your youngster's feelings, thereby helping her to let them go. Your physical presence and willingness to talk about what happened is all she needs; don't encourage her to shut down her feelings by rushing to tell her that everything is alright. Instead, just let her know that you are there with her and you'll go through it together. See my book "The Fear Fix" for more strategies to help kids through stress.
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A toddler who tantrums is behaving perfectly normally for his age. His lack of sophisticated emotional and verbal regulation skills is to be expected. However, a school-age child doing the same thing, is a different story. Be careful not to reward dysregulated, manipulative and/or disturbed behavior in older children by changing your mind after it occurs, bribing or negotiating with the unhappy youngster, working hard to make him "happy," or otherwise offering comforts and benefits as a result of the dramatic and erratic behavior. Instead, wait quietly (and kindly) for the storm to pass and then teach this child the necessary emotional and verbal regulation skills. Give him an opportunity to practice those skills and THEN reward him with your full attention and a pleasing response.
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If there is a positive word you can use, use it! For instance, it is far better to say "You're right!" than to say "You're not wrong." It's better to say "Please be on time" than to say "Please don't be late." Try "Please keep it clean" rather than "Don't make a mess." "I prefer to do xyz" works better than "I don't want to do abc." Every positive word heals both the speaker and the listener, increases cooperation and improves relationships. Use these words to give your kids a head start in their own communication skills.
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Your job isn't to ensure that your child becomes an adult who can (fill in the blank: wake himself up every morning/brush his teeth twice a day/make a good living/have a good marriage/control his temper/practice his religion, etc, etc..). After all, you have no control whatsoever over what your child will or will not do in adulthood. Your job is simply to TEACH him these things: to expose him to your own healthy model and offer him the information, encouragement, incentives and consequences that will HELP him internalize the lessons you want to convey. Do what you can do and pray. Your child is responsible for making himself into the adult that he will become. You are only responsible for gently pointing him in the right direction.
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Women often come to speak to me about their dating or marital problems, and when I ask them if they're davening (praying)in their own words to enlist G-d's help, they often respond 'no'.
Hashem is our partner in life, and if we don't ask Him to help us achieve whatever we're working on, it is self-defeating. Part of hishtadlut (our effort) is prayer. Try it and see what amazing things can be accomplished!
For more tips & resources, check out my website
www.devorahkigel.com
Defensiveness isn't the most pleasant thing to deal with - in oneself or in another person. Help reduce defensiveness in your children by remaining calm and pleasant when they make mistakes and do things wrong. After all, everyone messes up. When your child forgets or neglects to do something, or does it the wrong way, or doesn't listen or otherwise acts like a regular human youngster, smile. Smile the smile of recognition, as in "Ah yes, I've done that myself so many times!" Smile the smile of acceptance, as in "It's a normal error; it doesn't mean anything terrible or catastrophic." Smile the smile of patient understanding, as in, "Okay. So how can we help you be more successful next time?" And finally, smile the smile of love, as in "Doing something wrong doesn't change how great I think you are and how much I love you."
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You cannot actually MAKE your child do anything. She has to want to cooperate. The most you can do is inspire her to choose to follow your directions and directives. You can do this by being the kind of person she WANTS to be guided by. In general, the more a child likes a parent (or teacher), the more the child submits to that person's authority and guidance. In fact, the more she likes the parent (or teacher), the more she wants to BE like that person - she actually WANTS to copy and learn from the adults she cares about. To get your child to like you, simply do what you do to get other people to like you - be likable! Ask yourself if - in general - your words, actions and body language are likable during the periods you are engaging with your child.
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Don't wake up your older child or teen. Just say "good morning," and then move on. Why ruin your morning and your child's with repeated calls to wake-up, followed by a series of increasingly agitated threats and remarks. Instead, don't get involved. Just go pleasantly about your morning, doing what you need to do. If your child is late for carpool or school, don't write "late notes," and don't rescue him. Allow the school to give consequences and if they don't, arrange your own. Be consistent and keep it cool and business-like, showing little interest in the whole affair. This approach teaches your child that waking up is his own responsibility and not yours. His spouse will thank you one day.
Home, contrary to public opinion, is not where you can be yourself - unless, of course, your "self" is utterly delightful. If it isn't, then home is a place where you can pretend to be what you wish you really were - patient, loving, sensitive, understanding, respectful and so on. "Fake it, till you make it" is a perfectly fine strategy; act AS IF you are delightful. Practice every evening - when the kids walk in the door, when it's homework time, at the dinner table, during the bedtime routine and right up until the time you tuck yourself in bed. As with anything, practice makes perfect - keep it up and you'll find one day that "delightful" is the new you!
It's hard to do anything well when you're exhausted - including parenting. If you're having trouble getting all the sleep you need, and your schedule doesn't permit a daily nap, don't rely on coffee and sugar snacks to give you energy. Instead, every once in awhile, just close your eyes for 30 to 60 seconds and pay attention to the air going in and out as you breathe. Optional: Count silently and slowly - In, two, three, four, Out, two, three, four. This little focused breath will help restore your energy and boost your mood, working more and more powerfully the more you use it.
When you feel like you're going to snap, pay attention to that feeling. It is your inner call for help. Something inside is agitated, overwhelmed, at its very limit. Please go take care of it, because it needs you. Tune in and listen to what it has to say. Is it feeling burdened, uncared for, invisible, alone or something else? Acknowledge its feelings and find a way to help. Instead of "snapping" and hurting those you love, love the one who's hurting - that's YOU. Give yourself a bit of time and space to heal before you carry on. It will be much better for all of you.
Fond childhood memories are made with laughter and love. They can happen on vacations and at the breakfast table, on celebratory occasions and during night-time tuck-ins. In fact, they can happen anytime and anywhere. When, over the decades of child rearing, you are more light-hearted and open-hearted than you are strict and business-like, you will be able to give your children the fondest memory of all: the memory of YOU.
When you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed and/or stressed, you will have more trouble being your usual charming self. During these times try to get more help and/or remove tasks from your to-do list. But if you can't do much to change the situation, at least be understanding of your struggle. Do your best not to hurt your loved ones (and yourself in the process) but if you slip up - which we all do on occasion - quickly apologize, repair the damage and move forward. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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Anger is a feeling - not a discipline tool. First settle your feeling, and THEN, come back to educate your child. Use any educational tool that may be appropriate including teaching, explaining, demonstrating, illustrating, role-playing, applying negative consequences and/or creating rules. As our sages say, "The words of the wise are heard when calmly spoken." The only thing you teach when you yell, is how to yell.
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Children have a different view - they see you as you affect THEM. It's hard for them to see you as a full human being, a busy person with many different responsibilities and a person in your own right with your own human needs. This difference in perspective can result in common complaints: "You never listen to me," "You're never home," "You are always on the phone," and so on. Of course your attention is not 100% on this one child! But how should you answer the complaint? Instead of explaining that you have lots to do (which is not going to be good news from the complainer's point of view), try acknowledging her frustration BEFORE correcting her disrespectful attack (see "The Relationship Rule" in my book "Raise Your kids without Raising Your Voice" for how to actually do the correcting part..it's essential to teach children the respectful way to express their feelings to a parent.). Preface your correction with ACKNOWLEDGMENT: "I'm sorry I had to keep you waiting Sweetie. I know you wanted me right away and it's annoying to have to wait." Once she feels cared for and understood, she'll be more open to the guidance that follows.
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When you argue with your child, you teach your child to argue with YOU. Never say anything more than twice.
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Your face is your child's mirror - when he looks into it he sees himself, reflected through your smile or your frown. Is your child usually looking into friendly, approving eyes? If he finds it hard to win your smile, what will he eventually conclude about himself - and how will that conclusion shape the person he will become?
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Your marital behavior is your child's model for how to live with a partner: how to show love, how to handle disagreements, how to co-parent, how to make relationship repairs, how to deal with in-laws, how to handle frustration, disappointment and hurt, how to communicate effectively - and so much more. Are you showing your child what you want him or her to know about all this?
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When you're not sure what to do in a particular parenting moment, don't do anything. You can say something like, "I am going to think about this and get back to you." Then you can consult your books, your spouse and/or your advisers, or you can just take some time to actually think about it. There are very few true emergencies that require an immediate response. A good response is better than a fast one.
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Important Numbers
