No matter what it looks like in any given moment, rest assured that your child - whether a toddler or a teen - craves your love and approval. A hard-to-love youngster is in fact STARVING for love, but has given up believing that she can receive it. Now she acts tough, defiant, provocative - trying to at least get your attention if she can't have your love. Access your own love resources by focusing first on YOURSELF, remembering that you are lovable, loving and loved. Bathe yourself in love until it is overflowing and then, allow a little of that soft, forgiving energy to flow out to this child. Repeat over and over again, changing the dynamic of your relationship bit by bit until the relationship, and this child, both heal.
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Some people are parenting on their own for a short time while their spouse is away. Some are parenting on their own even while their spouse is at home. And some are parenting on their own because there is no spouse. All types of solo parenting are mentally and physically hard, and each has its own unique challenges. When you're in this situation - short term or long term - be very, very good to yourself. Don't compare yourself to someone who has more support. Don't expect to be able to be "on" for your kids all the time. Take time-outs for your sake as well as theirs, even if this means just tuning out for bits of time. Congratulate yourself on being able to provide the basics and don't even think of doing more, because the MOST important thing you can offer your children is your own good mood. Do whatever is necessary to build, nurture and maintain it.
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Because our parents program our brains (with effort, we can reprogram them), we absorb from them the notion of what constitutes a parenting "emergency." For example, if our parents "lost it" when we didn't listen right away, something deep inside of us may snap when our own kids don't listen right away. We internalized the notion that not-listening-immediately was some sort of emergency. Observe which of your children's behaviors "make you crazy" and think back...how did your parents react to those things? You can interrupt your automatic programming by asking yourself now: Is it an emergency? Or is it just something I need to help my child improve in? Be aware that YOU are now teaching your kids what constitutes a parenting emergency; you are downloading your particular "go crazy over this" program into their brains.
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A child cannot be "spoiled" by too much love. Heart-felt affection and approval nurture the developing human being. However, she can be spoiled by receiving so many toys, treats, clothes and other material items that there is no pleasure left in receiving them. We actually enjoy things more when they are a bit scarce - a rare treat, something to look forward to and to savour when it finally arrives. Daily gifts, like overly frequent rewards, soon lose their value. Save the special treats for special occasions, keeping them "special" by not making them daily affairs. When parents over-give, what ends up being "spoiled" is the child's pleasure in life.
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A stern or firm voice is often perceived as a "yell" by loved ones. "Don't yell at me," a child may protest to his mom, when her voice is quiet but very business-like. "I'm not yelling at you," she'll answer through gritted teeth. "I'm just telling you that it is bed time NOW." Although she is factually correct, it doesn't matter. What the child is really complaining about is that he is feeling rejected by the way his mom is speaking. He FEELS yelled at even if that isn't literally what's happening. Mom doesn't have to become more pleasant - she's likely acting the way she is, because the youngster hasn't responded to her initial more pleasant request(s). Nor should she deny that her tone is, in fact, unpleasant. Instead, she can acknowledge and address her child's feelings: "I understand that it feels like I'm yelling at you right now and that is because my voice is showing my irritation. I am not feeling happy after I've asked you so many times to get into your pajamas and you still haven't done it." This congruent message is good for the mental health of both Mom and her child.
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Words go from your mouth into your child's psyche, heart and mind - so be careful with them. As much as possible, avoid using a negative word. For instance, when you see your 5 year old teasing the toddler, you can ask him to "play nicely" but it's best to refrain from saying any of the following: "You're being mean to her." "Don't be mean to her." "What you're doing right now is mean." "That was mean." "You're acting mean." You see, it doesn't matter HOW you say a negative word, because no matter HOW you say it, once you say it, the negative word becomes attached to the child's core identity where it shapes future behavior, distorts personality and initiates destructive physical, mental and emotional processes. So find a nice way to make all of your requests and corrections, describing what you WANT rather than what you don't want and using respectful, kind and positive words.
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Your child naturally feels frustrated and is showing signs of poor emotional regulation - the inability to maintain self-control and respect for others when emotionally upset. If you don't put a stop to your child's rudeness or tantrums you are helping to wire that behavior firmly into his or her brain - where it will pose a threat for future relationships in adulthood. Punishment won't cure it. Getting upset definitely won't help. Naming feelings is a nice start but won't solve this problem. Do you know what will work? If not, read my ebook "Better Behavior Now!" It will answer this parenting question and so many others pertaining to kids from toddlerhood to adulthood.
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In family life, you're better off saying, "I can't say right now," than something like "Maybe," or "I'll try" as in "Maybe we'll have pizza tonight" or "I'll try to pick up that shirt you want." People - and children in particular - seem to drop those little noncommittal words and phrases from sentences, leaving only "the promise," as in "___we'll have pizza tonight" and "I'll_____pick up that shirt you want." When you don't deliver (due to extenuating circumstances or whatever reason), you can expect to hear the outraged cry of "But you SAID!" or even, "But you promised!" Save yourself the trouble of trying to explain to the bitterly disappointed loved one that you never actually promised. Instead, just don't use these ambiguous terms to begin with. "We'll see," "hopefully," "perhaps," "if it works out," "maybe" and "I'll try" are all best replaced with "I don't know yet," "I'll let you know when I know" and other statements that won't cause anyone's hopes to be dashed later on.
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No one, of any age, likes to be told what to do. But often, we have to give instructions to family members. Nonetheless, when we give too many - especially to teens, adult children and spouses - we may be perceived as "controlling" or "bossy." Fortunately, there are ways to reduce the number and/or intensity of instructions we have to give everyone, including the younger kids. First, refrain from saying what really doesn't need to be said. For example, don't repeat instructions that you've already given (see my book "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice," for details). Second, don't tell your child or spouse to do something that he already knows he has to do or that he regularly does by himself (i.e. don't remind a child to brush his teeth if this is something he does every night automatically). Third, try to change your direct approach into a passive one on occasion: for instance, instead of saying "You need to pack your lunch tonight to a teen," you could try, "I'm sorry, Honey, but I can't pack your lunch tonight" - letting him figure out, rather than telling him what has to be done. Finally, just experiment with NOT telling your child what she should do and see what she does herself; if she does the right thing, lay on the praise to reinforce her initiative. If she doesn't do it, try winking/pointing/handing her something instead of giving her the full verbal instruction. If that's not possible, use a one-or-two-word reminder rather than a full sentence of bunch of sentences (i.e. "Your cup," vs. "You need to take your cup off the table and put it in the dishwasher."). These strategies will still leave you with plenty of instructions to offer, but your sensitivity to the issue will certainly help you avoid being "controlling!"
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Start your day on a full tank of love. Before you get out of bed in the morning, lie still for 1 or 2 minutes with your hand resting on your heart. Breathe slowly and evenly. As you inhale, imagine that you are breathing in love and filling yourself up with it. As you exhale, imagine that you are breathing out love to your entire household. Do this daily and see how it affects the way you feel and act toward your family.
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The most common parental interventions for aggressive behavior GUARANTEE that a child will continue to be aggressive in the future. Here they are:
Telling the child, "We don't hit. We use our words."
Giving the child a negative consequence.
Explaining to the child that his sibling his sad now.
Asking the child what the problem was and trying to solve it.
Letting the kids work it out themselves.
If you want to know WHY these responses guarantee more aggression and you want to know WHAT to do instead, read my new ebook: "Better Behavior Now!" only $7.99 till Dec. 1/17
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YOU set the tone at home. When YOU'RE in a good mood, the whole household feels more upbeat and relaxed. So help yourself calm down by slowing down your movements (this initiates a relaxation response), turning your lips upward in a small smile as you go about your business (this releases "happy" chemistry in your brain), humming to yourself (this relaxes the nervous system), and speaking slowly and softly no matter what you have to say (this generates calming physiological processes). In other words, even if everyone around you is stressed and irritable, and you, yourself, are having a rough time, help yourself shift states - and by doing so, help your whole household do the same.
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"Lower your voice," yields better results than "Stop shouting." "Remember to do it," works better than "Don't forget." "Tell the truth," brings more success than "Don't lie." In all cases, ask for what you WANT, rather than talking about what you don't want; your loved one's brain finds it easier to process and respond to "do-statements," than to work through "don't-statements."
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To help build your child's emotional intelligence (E.Q.) name your own feelings throughout the day. Instead of saying, "I can't believe it! I drove all this way and they don't even have the special yogurt today!" say something like, "I'm so frustrated! I drove all this way and...." Similarly, instead of saying, "I don't know what to do...there are so many things to consider..." try saying, "I feel so confused..I don't know what to do..there are so many things to consider." Instead of saying, "We won!" try saying, "I'm so excited! We won!" The seemingly tiny difference in each pair of sentences - the little added feeling words at the beginning - add up to make a huge difference in a child's understanding of her own inner world and the inner world of other people. In fact, these feeling words introduce the concept that there IS an inner world and understanding this is the foundation of all emotional intelligence.
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Here are some steps for helping a child change her inappropriate behavior: 1) for your own clarity, write down the inappropriate behavior and what triggers it. For example, "When child doesn't get what she wants, she has a meltdown." 2) write down the TARGET (desired) behavior for that trigger. For example: "When she doesn't get what she wants, child says "I'm not happy" and walks away." 3) In a calm moment, teach child the target behavior and have her practice it. 4) give positive attention (acknowledgment and/or praise) to the child when she uses the target behavior when the trigger occurs (i.e. she didn't get what she wanted). If she "forgets" to use the target behavior, have her practice it as soon as her meltdown has ended - and then immediately give her plenty of praise.
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Why is your child STILL having meltdowns at 6 or 16? Why is he or she STILL hurting siblings, talking back, leaving messes, not listening, leaving assignments till the very last minute, refusing to go to bed and all the rest? The answer is simpler than you think and the solution is even simpler. You'll find both in my brand new booklet "Better Behavior Now!" Check it out! Special discount till Dec. 1/17. http://dailyparentingposts.com/shop/better-behavior-now/
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Sometimes we look down on ourselves. We see that our neighbor has a bigger house, a better spouse or children that are better behaved than our own. When this happens, quickly move your attention to more wholesome thoughts - thoughts of gratitude and appreciation for what you DO have. You will notice an IMMEDIATE improvement in the way you feel. When your thoughts bring you down, change them. YOU'RE in charge of what you think.
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When a loved one criticizes us, we may just criticize him or her right back. "You left your cup in the sink." "Ya, well you left your shoes in the hallway so don't tell me about cups in the sink!" These counter-attacks deliver the message: "Don't criticize me until you're perfect" - meaning, never criticize me. If we successfully shut down family communication this way, we suffer in the end. To keep the lines of communication open, to give loved ones the message that you are willing to hear their honest complaints and concerns, always respond to the issue directly. "Yes, you're right - I did leave it in the sink. Sorry about that." Don't offer reasons or excuses; just admit when you've messed up and move on.
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If you accidentally (or purposely) hurt your spouse's feelings, allow him or her recovery time. People don't just "snap out of it" because they've received an apology; a wounded heart takes time to heal. Small wounds take less time than big ones.
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Important Numbers
